The older baby begins to feel jealous of the younger child almost from the first day of his appearance after being discharged from the hospital. And this despite the fact that during pregnancy, children most often look forward to the appearance of a brother or sister.
Children's jealousy is not unnatural, it is caused by the fear of losing the love of mom and dad. Therefore, the older child may openly demonstrate a negative attitude towards the baby.
It is important for parents to choose the right behavior strategy so that their firstborn does not feel lonely. We suggest using recommendations that will help in this or that problematic situation.
Childhood jealousy depends on the gender of the child. Girls have a subconscious need to take care of their younger ones. Therefore, it is easier to captivate them with requests to care for the baby and smooth out jealous feelings. In boys, jealousy is more pronounced, and they are not always ready to help care for the child.
Situation No. 1: the older child refuses to give up his crib to the newborn
It is best to transfer the child to another crib a couple of months before the baby is born. If time is lost and the migration of the firstborn coincides with the newborn’s discharge from the maternity hospital, explain to the older child that he is already an adult and can now sleep in a crib that is not for babies. The comparison “you will sleep in an “adult” crib, like mom and dad,” will help motivate the young “owner” to do the right thing.
Situation No. 2: the older child asks to be fed breast milk too
If the firstborn has already passed the age of breastfeeding, you should not categorically refuse him. This will provoke a child's hysteria. It would be more correct to say that if the mother feeds the older one, the younger one will not have enough milk and he will remain hungry. As compensation, offer something tasty to distract children's thoughts in a different direction.
Situation No. 3: the older child asks to return the newborn to the hospital
In this situation, parents should not scold their firstborn. Try to explain that having a brother or sister is good, because when the younger one grows up, the children will be able to play together. And if the elder during pregnancy was looking forward to the birth of the child with interest, you can tell him that the baby knows about it and is glad to meet you.
Situation No. 4: The older child interferes with the younger one’s sleep
In such a situation, parents should not strictly insist on maintaining silence. It is more correct to suggest that the older child speak in a whisper. The firstborn will join this game with pleasure. Memories on the topic “when you were little” will help. In this situation, the mother can tell the older child that during his sleep everyone also spoke in a whisper and did not make any noise.
Situation No. 5: Older child feels abandoned
By delegating some of the responsibilities for caring for the baby to family members, the young mother will be able to allocate time for games and communication with the older child. For example, a father or grandmother goes for a walk with a child lying in a stroller. This time, approximately 1.5-2 hours, is enough for the older child to again feel the fullness of his mother’s care and love.
Situation No. 6: The older child hurts the younger one
In such situations, punishment can provoke a backlash. Therefore, if there is a risk of physical pain to a younger child, children should not be left alone without the presence of parents.
Situation No. 7: An older child takes away toys from a younger one
This is not done because the older child wants to play with them. This is how he expresses his negative attitude. You can correct the situation in the following ways:
- getting the firstborn interested in new toys;
- explaining that he is too old to play with rattles;
- inviting the older child to choose toys for the baby in a children's store, not forgetting to buy him something interesting.
Situation No. 8: The older child gets tired of the new responsibilities of caring for the baby
The older child wants to play, and not, for example, push a stroller for a walk. While walking outdoors, leave your baby to sleep in the stroller and spend time with your firstborn. Do not force him to play with the younger one, otherwise this may cause aggression. Involve your older first-born in general play with the baby in a way that is interesting for him.
Situation No. 9: Older child shows sadness
Not having the attention of their mother to the same extent as before, older children begin to experience depression. At the first signs of sadness, parents need to praise their older child more often, play with him when the baby is sleeping, hug him, pick him up and kiss him more often. Tactile sensations are very important. The older child should not feel a lack of parental affection and the warmth of his mother’s hands.
Situation No. 10: the older child “falls” into childhood
First-born children often begin to openly demand the same attention as a younger child: they ask to be picked up, fed, dressed, carried. It is impossible to ignore these requests, but it is also wrong to fully satisfy them. Look for the “golden” mean: if possible, sit the child on your lap, lift him up the stairs in your arms, lay him down, tell him a fairy tale. After a while, the older child will understand that his mother loves him as before.
If a woman cannot recover for a long time after childbirth, it will be more difficult for her firstborn to cope with jealousy. He may feel negative towards the baby because the mother feels bad precisely because of the newborn.
Patience and affection are the “cure” for childhood jealousy
Parents need to be patient to wait out the first six months after the birth of their youngest child. During this period, the jealousy of older children manifests itself especially clearly. And, of course, you cannot deprive them of affection. The results of parents' diplomatic behavior will appear later, when the children grow up and good and sincere relationships are established between them. Therefore, do not scold your elders for being jealous of your younger ones, do not arouse bitterness in them.
It is believed that those children who are 3-5 years apart are most jealous of their younger children. This is especially true between same-sex children. Older children cope more easily with the arrival of a baby, since they may already have other interests, including outside the family.
Tatyana Volkova, family psychologist:“The older child is most often jealous of the younger one when he feels superfluous. To prevent this from happening, it is very important to constantly emphasize that the older child is very important, needed and loved.
It will be great if you can gently “include” the firstborn in caring for the newborn and constantly focus on the fact that he is already very big and is doing very important and necessary work, helping dad and mom. A sense of self-worth will help the first-born child to feel more calm about the fact that the attention of mom and dad no longer belongs only to him, and to be more loyal to the baby.
At the same time, it is important that with the advent of a new family member, the first-born, as the “big one,” has not only new responsibilities, but also new rights. Think about what can be translated from “you can’t, you’re still small” into the category “you’re already big, so now you can” - this will affect the self-perception of the first-born and will allow him not to regress into infancy, which often happens with older children after the birth into the world of the younger ones."
Expert: Galina Yaroshuk, Doctor of Biological Sciences, clinical psychologist
Elena Nersesyan-Brytkova
Hello, my name is Alya Badanina, in the recent past I am the editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan, and now I am the mother of two children. Irisha is soon 11 years old, and she is actively entering the puberty phase. Kostya is 11 months old and just actively walking. I would like to discuss these two and a couple dozen other children of my friends with you every week.
Everything started out very well
The news about my possible pregnancy somewhat shocked my husband and I, we came to our senses for a couple of days, and then made an appointment with the doctor. It was summer, school holidays, and we took Irisha with us to the clinic. While she was looking at the pictures at the reception, I went to the doctor, everything was confirmed, and on the way out I happily nodded to my future dad. On the street, we once very calmly and joyfully told 8-year-old Irisha about the news.
- ABOUT! I guessed it!
- Is it true?
- Yeah, you were whispering all evening yesterday - that's once, twice - in the hospital there were a lot of funny pictures with children and bears on the walls.
I was very happy with her reaction then. We chatted for a long time about the name, gender, how the baby is developing, what he looks like at 6 weeks and everything else. Later we made bets on who would be a boy or a girl, sang an invented lullaby to our belly, stroked it, and talked to it. Irisha was very supportive of me during toxicosis, she understood that now my mother could not do everything - during a trip to St. Petersburg she did not ask me to ride the Ferris Wheel with her, and later she helped me get dressed, fasten the locks on my shoes, and did not allow me to wear gravity and all that. In a word, I have already begun to assume that we will become a very happy family, where there will be no jealousy, no anger, or any other unpleasant moments between the children.
And in vain
We gave birth in another country, which in itself was stressful for the girl. Strangers, three whole months away from her friends, familiar social circle, dancing and everything she was used to. I tried to walk in the park with her more often, swim together, and my husband and I rode a bicycle for hours. We ate our fill of fruits and fresh berries. And somehow suddenly she said:
- I hope he (pointing to my stomach) will also have allergies!
- Why do you say that? - I was very surprised.
- Well... I don’t want to suffer alone and not eat strawberries and oranges!
This was very unexpected for me. After all our lullabies. But we couldn’t think about it for long; the next day we left for the maternity hospital. And my daughter went to class.
Our labor was delayed; the boy was in no hurry to hatch. While my husband left to pick up Irisha so that we could all get to know our son and brother, the doctors decided to undergo surgery. Irisha took everything that was said to her in a completely adult way and agreed to wait for an hour in the reception area, jumping on a fitball and switching channels on the TV. The nurse was the first (after mom, dad and doctors) to show Kostya, let her touch him, watch how he was weighed and swaddled.
By nightfall, my chills intensified, my legs became very swollen, and the young father decided to stay with me in the ward. He took Irisha to his friends, with whom we had previously discussed a similar scenario. Two days later we were discharged, we took pictures at the hospital and went home. All this time - when my daughter came to our ward and on the way home - I watched her. I was afraid that our “allergic” dialogue would repeat itself.
How do we deal with feelings?
What happened at home
We have read articles on the Internet about how and in which countries it is customary to treat the navel, which diapers are better, and whether it is worth swaddling. We tried different methods of breastfeeding. We spent the whole evening fiddling with our new and cool Kostyanchik. Irisha sometimes went into the bedroom, but spent most of the evening watching TV. Finally, when the baby fell asleep sweetly, I went out to her. I still remember her facial expression at that moment:
- ALL??? Now take good care of me!!!
I just collapsed on the sofa next to her. It seemed to me that their 9 months of wonderful pregnancy, our endless conversations about the future, about who would live in what rooms, how they and their brother would play, did not exist. It’s as if they took my life and changed it all at once.
Of course, despite being tired, I spent the rest of the evening with my daughter, we bathed, read for the night and sang that same lullaby. I fell asleep in her room and returned to Kostya that night. And the next morning I opened search engines in search of completely different information.
How do we deal with jealousy?
1. You are not unique
Immediately after the search engines, I turned to my friends with many children. Absolutely all of them told me their stories.
about jealousy between children. This understanding helped me a lot. Moreover, I noticed that especially strong jealousy manifests itself either when there is a small age difference (the children have something to share) or when it is very large (the child is accustomed to 100% parental attention).
2. Find support
Talk to grandparents, as well as aunts and other relatives, about how important their attention to the older child is. Especially now, when sometimes you don’t have enough time to talk or walk with him.
3. Communicate separately
Oddly enough, I heard this idea in one of my favorite TV series. Children, and especially teenagers, communicate much better with each of their parents alone. In this situation, they are more frank, they have no need to manipulate. Irisha and I now spend one of our weekends together: just me and only her. And at home, when possible, we often study or play in adult-child pairs.
4. Don't burden
The temptation is very great to leave the younger one with the older one for half an hour, especially when the older one has really grown up, is adequate and understands a lot. I do my best to drive these thoughts away from myself; I use Irisha’s services only in force majeure situations. It's better to ask your elder to take out the trash, wash the dishes, or do something else around the house.
5. But look for common interests.
But playing together is very useful for them. It turned out that even 10-year-old Irisha and one-year-old Kostyanchik can have many common interests: they dance together, build large houses from construction sets (or destroy them), sing and laugh infectiously. They do the latter best! :)
Tell us about how jealousy manifested itself (and whether it manifested itself?) in your children, and how you dealt with it.
As long as humanity has existed, so has the jealousy of an older child towards a younger one. Remember the biblical Cain and you will understand that this negative feeling is not so uncommon. The overwhelming number of families face a similar problem when the eldest child is not happy about the appearance of a brother or sister. The root of evil lies in the reluctance of an older child to share parental love and attention with a new family member.
A child is not always happy about the appearance of a younger brother or sister
Children under 5 years of age show the greatest sensitivity. This age-related feature is due to the fact that they themselves have not yet moved away from parental care and are accustomed to considering themselves the most important members of the family. Jealousy takes on a hypertrophied form in same-sex children. For six-year-olds and older children, the problem is not so acute, since they are already acquiring a certain independence and can more easily tolerate the presence of a younger brother or sister.
What is childhood jealousy and how to deal with it?
Parents' hopes that problems can be avoided are wrong. It may be possible to smooth out the corners, but it will not be possible to completely eliminate it. The famous child psychologist Donald Woods Winnicott argues that childhood jealousy is a normal phenomenon that grows up with love. A child who does not know how to love will not be jealous. The main task of parents is to ensure that the older child does not feel guilty for his jealous attitude towards the newborn.
The big mistake of many adults is that they try not to notice negative manifestations and turn a blind eye to the incorrect behavior of the first-born towards the baby. The right thing to do would be to support your elder, praise him more often, and show him that you believe in him, regardless of the age difference between the children.
Afraid of losing your faith in him, the child will try to justify it. Help your “competitor” calmly get through a difficult moment, let him understand that a newborn baby will not overshadow your love, but now you will live together.
To prevent childhood jealousy, it is better to prepare the child for the arrival of the youngest from pregnancy
Particular patience and attention is required from parents of children of the same sex, with a small age difference, and those whose first child is a boy. Girls are naturally ready to babysit children, so they get along more easily with the idea that they are not alone with their parents. If adults behave correctly, smooth out a difficult situation and learn to forgive the child, support him and understand him, he will survive his jealous attitude.
How to prepare an older child?
Psychologists believe that if you properly prepare your older offspring for the arrival of another child, he will overcome the negativity even before you return from the hospital. How to correctly explain the upcoming event to a child, what words to calm him down and prepare him? Tell him that a brother or sister will soon appear in your family. Prepare in advance answers to questions about where he will sleep, whether you can play with him, whether you will love him more than your elder.
When answering, do not forget to assure the child of your love, explain that all children are dear to parents. Explain to your child how great it is when you have someone to play with and keep secrets with, that your best friend is always with you. To answer sensitive questions, use books about pregnancy and the birth of children that tell about this in an accessible form. Tell your child about what babies are like, how they develop and grow, what they can and cannot do. Remind him that he was once like that.
It is necessary to focus on the fact that the younger child will become the best friend of the older one. Encourage any initiative of the child related to preparing for the meeting of a new family member. Together with him, choose a stroller and toys for the newborn, and consult about the baby’s name. If the offspring wants to give the baby his toy, be sure to praise him and be happy. Every action and word of yours aimed at bringing the older offspring closer to the younger one will prevent the manifestation of jealousy.
What mistakes should you avoid?
The most dangerous mistake that parents make is to remove the mother from the first-born in favor of the second child. Forget about phrases such as: you are already quite an adult; you can do it yourself, you must behave differently, I will ask you more. Moreover, do not refuse your child’s request, citing the reason that you have another baby. Please note the following:
- Give your firstborn some personal space. Never insist that he give his toys to the younger one, do not be cool about the fact that the baby broke the first-born’s toy, and do not put the baby in the bed of the older child.
- Be especially careful with children under 3 years of age, who have a very strong sense of their own space and find it difficult to tolerate its reduction.
- Having noticed signs of jealousy, never compare your offspring, do not say that one of them is worse than the other. Use cartoon characters, other children, and fairy tale characters for positive and negative examples.
Parents should not compare children, otherwise it will end their friendship - Clearly convey to the first-born the fact that the baby is helpless, that he cannot do without you.
- Involve your offspring in caring for the baby by asking him to perform simple actions: bring a diaper, give him a bottle, shake a rattle.
- Draw the attention of the elder to the fact that the little “competitor” loves him and smiles at him.
- If an adult child takes the initiative, tries to feed or change the baby’s diaper, do not scold him, encourage his impulses, explain how to do it right.
Dr. Komarovsky believes that in difficult cases, when an adult child is very jealous, it makes sense to seek the help of specialists. The famous pediatrician supports the recommendations of other doctors about the preliminary preparation of children for the arrival of a little person in the family. In addition, Komarovsky does not deny psychotherapeutic treatment if conventional methods fail to cope with the situation.
Examples of situations and solutions
Analysis of common situations will help inexperienced parents build relationships between children correctly. We have prepared examples for you and accompanied them with a detailed explanation:
- Refusal to give up a crib. The correct decision would be to transfer the elder to another bed in advance 2-3 months before the baby arrives. If you missed the situation, try to gently explain to the child that he has already outgrown the small crib and you are offering him a new beautiful bed, like mom and dad.
To allocate a crib for a younger child, you need to transfer the older one to his own in advance. - Please breastfeed. If the child is one year old and still breastfeeding, a categorical refusal would be a mistake. Explain to the baby that the mother does not have much milk, it may not be enough for the younger one, offer a tasty alternative.
- Insists on returning the baby to the maternity hospital. Draw a verbal picture about how good he will be with the youngest child, how they will play and walk together.
- Makes noise and talks loudly while the youngest is sleeping. It cannot be strictly prohibited; it should be suggested to play whisper conversations. Remember that this is a child in front of you, the game is the best option for him to correctly convey what he wants. Tell me that when he was sleeping little, everyone also spoke in whispers.
- Feeling abandoned. Involve other family members in caring for the baby so that you can devote time to your first child. Let dad go for a walk with the baby, and you play with your firstborn and read a book. Just 1.5-2 hours and your baby will again feel that he is needed, that he is loved and remembered.
Negativity towards the second child
In addition to general behavior, the child may exhibit a negative reaction towards the baby himself. Let's look at some common examples of jealousy:
- It hurts the baby. If you notice that the older child is offending the little one, try not to leave them alone. By resorting to punishment, you may provoke more cruel treatment.
An older child should not be allowed to offend a younger one. - Takes away toys. By taking a toy from your second child, your firstborn wants to show his negative attitude towards him. To correct the situation, give the older one a new toy, tell him that he is already an adult for playing with rattles, go with him to the store and buy toys for him and the younger child.
- Shows fatigue from working with the baby. You can’t force him to push a stroller or work with the baby without leaving free time for other games. When the baby is sleeping, pay attention to the adult child so that he does not lack parental love and participation.
- Walks with a sad expression on his face. If you notice that your adult child has become sad since the birth of the baby, you should be wary and take action. This mood can turn into depression, so don’t forget about him, pay attention, kiss, pick him up, play, find time so that he doesn’t experience a lack of your attention.
- “Falls” into childhood. A completely independent child suddenly begins to behave the way he behaved when he was one or two years old. He asks to be held in his arms, fed with a spoon, refuses to dress himself, and starts screaming. You shouldn’t follow his lead, but you shouldn’t completely refuse his requests. Find the “golden mean”: let the baby sit on your lap for a while, read him a bedtime story, put him to bed, sing a lullaby.
If a child deliberately behaves like a child, there is no need to harshly cut him off or punish him How to distinguish jealousy from a child crisis?
Inappropriate behavior of an older child when a small family member appears may not always be due to jealousy. Remember the notorious crisis of three-year-olds, about which child psychologists write and talk a lot. Pediatricians designate several periods when a child experiences a behavioral crisis: 1 year, 2 years, from 3 to 4 years (three-year-old crisis) (more details in the article:). Stubbornness, endless whims, aggression, crying, withdrawal - these are signs of an age-related crisis in children.
A psychologist will help you recognize the reasons for this behavior. Contact a specialist for advice and assistance. Please also take into account the fact that child psychology professionals believe that a child who has not gone through age-related crises develops with malfunctions. Outbreaks of bad mood and behavior indicate that the baby is mastering new stages of his life. Parting with the past, he painfully experiences growing up.
A special situation arises when the weather in the family grows. The crisis can overtake both children, then the parents will have a hard time. The eldest and the youngest are capricious, the house is a mess, the children are hysterical, crying, disobeying, and demanding increased attention. However, this is another problem, not related to a jealous relationship between your offspring, you just need to get over it. Actually, this is a kind of rehearsal for a really difficult teenage crisis.
Children the same age can simultaneously enter a crisis, which is very difficult for parents If the children have grown up, and the relationship between them remains tense, jealousy is still alive, teach them to cooperate with each other. Give them joint tasks and assignments, introduce rules in the family when the kids will inevitably have to do something together. In addition, outline the norms of behavior in your small unit of society. For example, if you can’t take other people’s things, then no one can. Raise your children by your own example of respect for the personal space of other family members.
Offer your offspring common games and entertainment, combine their efforts in preparing for the holiday. Buy several board games for different ages, go to a matinee with the younger child with the older one, and vice versa - take the younger one to watch competitions with the participation of the older one.
Become for your little treasures the link that connects them equally firmly. Give love equally, without highlighting one or depriving the other, be wise, fair and honest with children.
Discuss the older child's jealousy of the younger one with other relatives. Warn your grandparents about your actions and ask them to follow the rules you set. Often, due to the wrong attitude of other family members, the situation becomes more complicated and it is much more difficult to correct it. The grandmother begins to feel sorry for the first-born, which leads to an increase in his jealous perception of the younger child. The peace of mind of the child and family during the upcoming addition depends only on mom and dad.
A little jealousy between children is a normal phenomenon; you should not focus on it and spend special efforts to prevent it. Parents often don't realize that worrying too much about this is causing them to behave in ways that end up making them more jealous. For example, a mother tries to cut a pie into exactly identical pieces, so as not to arouse suspicious looks from the children - whether someone else has been given more. But then the children look at their mother even more closely at this time. And the more we try to avoid possible offense, the more sensitive children become.
The best thing you can do to eliminate jealousy is not to worry about it. Most children get jealous sometimes; but if no attention is paid to this, they stop doing it themselves.
Jealousy of the new baby
Much has already been written about the jealousy of the “dethroned” eldest child. At first, as they explain, while he is the smallest, he receives the lion's share of his parents' attention. And suddenly a new newcomer takes away this prerogative from him, and jealousy arises as a result. Of course, many older children do experience this feeling towards the new baby; but it does not follow from this that this is obligatory for each of the children.
The main thing is not to be constantly on guard, noting all the symptoms of jealousy. If they are present, this is a normal phenomenon, and there is nothing to sound the alarm about. Parents should not make the mistake of going to great lengths to appease the older child's jealousy, such as giving in to his demands when they are holding the little one, or rushing to put him down when he is waiting for attention; this only increases the elder’s harassment. Don't hesitate to show your affection for your new baby, and don't feel like you have to hug the older one when you hug the baby.
Parents can help the older child develop a positive attitude towards the younger one by providing him with maximum opportunities to care for the little one and asking him for help. Children naturally feel the helplessness of the little one, and this makes them feel like protectors, so they have a desire to do something for him. A small child can give a bottle, bring a diaper, or even help feed and dress a younger one. And if you ask to hold your baby, place him on a carpeted floor to ensure safety.
Fortunately, the baby mostly sleeps during the first months of its life and, apart from purely physical care, does not need our attention. Therefore, give most of it to the eldest, so that with our help he will gradually get used to sharing it with the younger child.
If an older child needs to be moved to a larger bed to make room for a smaller one, it is better to do this a few months earlier, otherwise he will feel that the baby has displaced him from his place. And also, if he has to start going to a nursery, send him there in advance, about two months in advance, so that he doesn’t think that because of the little one he lost his home.
So that your elder does not disturb you during feeding and he has something to do, keep some toys near you. One mother of several small children reads to the elders at this time. And before sitting down with the baby, she tells them: “Take your toys and books - now we’ll sit together.” Of course, if there are older children nearby, you can ask them to play with the younger ones for now; then you can enjoy your alone time with your baby.
Often a child reacts to the appearance of a baby by saying that he also wants to be small. He also asks for a bottle and a pacifier and acts like a baby. But such temporary regression is not a matter of concern. Parents can be somewhat humorous about this childish desire, while at the same time emphasizing the benefits of an adult child. If he wants to drink from a bottle for a while, let him drink; he won't want it for long. He will see that the milk flows very slowly and that sucking from the bottle is not at all as pleasant as he thought. As for the pacifier, which can damage teeth if used for a long time, it is best for him to take it only when he goes to bed. And when he falls asleep, you can take it out of his mouth, having first explained to him why we are doing this.
Sometimes an older child may show his jealousy with suspicious hugs that make the baby cry. The main thing here is that we do not think that he deliberately wants to hurt him; better understand it as an awkward expression of emotion. And instead of shouting to him: “You are hurting the little one!”, tell him: “Hug the child more tenderly.” And you can explain: “You are big and strong; you don’t understand that when you hug a child, you hurt him - that’s why he cries. Let me show you how to hug him” (and for example, hug him yourself). "Now let's see how you can hug him tenderly."
And the same thing happens if an older child plays like this with a baby. Take the child's hand in yours and say: "The baby is delicate and we must treat him gently. If we are too rough, he will get hurt." And with the other hand, gently stroke the child’s face and hand with the words: “Look - this is nice. Now do this to the little one.” And with the child’s hand, gently stroke the baby’s face and arms, as if saying: “Look, the little one likes it. It’s nice. Now do it.” And after letting him do it, praise him and hug him.
Physical attacks on an infant naturally cannot be tolerated. We must immediately take the elder and tell him calmly but firmly: “I will not allow you to be with the baby if you are hurting him.” And the child should be sent to another part of the house for a while. It is important not to scold or shame him because this may increase his feelings of hostility.
Jealousy between other children
Obviously, parents should not have favorites, because especially among children close in age, this can cause jealousy. The Talmud writes that Yaakov singled out Yosef by giving him special clothing.
One should never give away one of the children, because Yaakov gave Yosef wool weighing two grays more than the other sons, because of this, the brothers hated him, and our forefathers had to go into exile in Egypt.
While some degree of jealousy between children is always possible, parents can minimize it by never comparing children. You can’t tell a child: “Why aren’t you like your brother (or sister)?” Try not to praise any of your children or extol their achievements in front of others if you suspect that this may cause jealousy. When one of the children is jealous of another who is smarter or more capable, do not try to talk to him based on his feelings, for example: “It doesn’t matter that you don’t shine in school, but you do well in sports.” Better show him that you understand him: “I know you want the same grades as your sister.”
We can teach children that envy is a bad trait. It causes harm to others, but most of all to the one who envies. And emphasize that envy seems to be directed outward, but in fact it makes the envious person unhappy, because he endlessly torments himself with the fact that others have some kind of property or talents.
Younger children may be jealous of older children's privileges, such as being allowed to go to bed later. But a sympathetic response, "I know, but it's time for you to go to bed," usually calms arguments and helps children accept the situation.
At the same time, it must be realized that it is neither achievable nor desirable to treat all children exactly the same. We need to keep this in mind when a child accuses us of singling out one of the children.
For example, eight-year-old Sarah was bought a new backpack because the old one was torn. Her older sister Miriam complains: “It’s not fair! She doesn’t take care of her backpack and gets a new one, but I don’t!” In general, you should resist the temptation to engage in explanations with your child. It's better to just express your sympathy. And here, instead of saying: “But look, yours is still in excellent condition - you don’t need a new one!”, We can take pity on the jealous sister: “I know, you also want a new one. But, honey, in fact he you don't need it." Surprisingly, this is usually enough to help the child overcome his feelings of unhappiness and accept the situation. Sometimes you can simply answer with a friendly smile: “Yes, that’s it.” Of course, you should never tell a child: “You can’t always have what you want!”; this only makes the child even more unhappy and does not in the least weaken his jealousy. And it’s better not to try to balance the situation - for example, it’s not a good idea to promise the older girl to buy a new pencil case.
Remember that the child shouts "No fair!" in hopes that this will weaken your position and help him get what he wants. Don't let him make you defensive. Don't try to prove that you are actually honest. And don't let yourself get angry at the dishonesty of his accusations!
And all this is not because children’s complaints are always unjustified. If later, after thinking about the situation, we come to the conclusion that we were wrong, we need to do everything in our power to clarify it. But even then, our response to the child should not express our guilt or apology. Whether he's right in his complaint or not, we shouldn't say more than a bland "We're doing our best to treat you all fairly"
Sometimes a child accuses his parents of loving another child more than him. This is where a sympathetic response is best. Any criticism like “Why are you so jealous?” will only increase his jealousy.
And attempts to dissuade the child, for example: “You have no reason to be jealous - you know, we love all children equally,” usually do not help either. The parent should listen carefully to the child and first respond with an expression of his feelings: “It seems to you that I love your brother (sister) more than you. Let me tell you something. I have a big heart, and there is room in it for love for each of them.” you. I love each and every one of my children."
We cannot treat all children equally, and it is equally impossible, no matter how much we wish, to love them equally. It may be painful to realize, but it is a fact that some children are simply easier to love than others. We are ready to feel this feeling for a child who behaves well, or for a little one who has a friendly and open nature. And there is no need to react with a feeling of guilt if we have any negative emotions towards a difficult child. Rather, we should take it as a challenge, as our task to truly love this child too.
PROBLEMS DURING EATING
Meals are a time when you can often hear a chorus of voices saying, “This isn’t fair!” or “She got it more!” Don't get upset thinking how terrible it is that your children have such bad qualities; It's better to take it as something funny. Refrain from responses like “Stop it, it doesn’t matter!” It’s better to say with humor: “So you don’t want your piece?”
You can talk to your children later. You can start with a question: "Suppose you are sitting alone at a table and get a piece of pie. Will you be happy?" Of course, the children will answer yes. "But now there is someone else at the table, and he also got the pie, and you see that his piece is bigger. And suddenly you are unhappy about the same piece of pie that you were happy about before. Tell me what What do you need to do now to be happy again?” Someone will probably give a logical answer; and if not, then you give it: “Just don’t look at another’s piece to see if it’s bigger than yours. And then you’re happy.”
And now, if there are complaints again in the future, you only need to remind your children: “Remember what we said about not looking to see if someone else got more than you?”
A different method was suggested by one mother who saw that it quickly ended her children's complaints. When they shout that someone else was given more, she simply tells them:
"Whoever complains will get nothing."
And if all the children start shouting: “I want the first one!”, “It’s not fair, she always gets the first one!” - just ignore it and refuse to hand out food until they calm down.
The behavior of jealousy is characteristic of a child from the first years of life: “I want to have my own and I will beat those who take it away from me.” But the adult behavior of jealousy with characteristic phrases, intonations and faces, especially the experience of jealousy, is not innate or natural, it is already the result of social learning.
In the video, where a girl is already jealous of a boy in kindergarten, the girl is still playing a role, trying on the adult role of a jealous person. She doesn’t yet have a real experience of jealousy - it’s early, but soon everything will appear: if she plays this role often and well, then experiences will soon appear. That is, in this case, it is not experiences that cause the behavior of jealousy, but the role of jealousy in the case of a good game begins to cause experiences of jealousy.
Examples from life
Jealous of father
For quite some time now, the child has been reacting strangely to my husband and I’s tenderness (hugs, etc.). He immediately begins to whine, wedges himself between us, and if you try to move him away, it turns into a roar. What is this? Manipulation? Rejection of dad as a contender for mom's attention? What to do?
Jealous of mother
The problem is not with us, with our friends. A 2-year-old girl has been beating her relatives, incl. and mom, while saying “go away.” Mom left and kicked the girl out of the room, but it didn’t help. Dad turned a blind eye to this; she didn’t hit him. For the time being, because... Now he’s hitting him too. What can be done?
Jealous of brother
My eldest boy turned 3 years old, and six months ago another boy was born... The “eldest” was not very happy about this... He was not ready to share his mother’s and father’s love with someone. Jealousy manifested itself almost immediately, although now, after six months, much less... My husband and I are trying our best to pay more attention to the “Elder”, but he is still offended, even if we just take the little one in our arms...
Solution
Hug and kiss
Our daughter also often spies on us kissing/hugging. Especially if we are lying down at this time - he climbs under my father’s arm and looks into my face questioningly. In this case, I smile at her and together with my dad we hug and kiss her)
Don't make a problem out of nothing
With the birth of the baby, the eldest for some time painfully perceives the “invasion” of his territory. His well-known role is that of a sufferer: every now and then he asks who is loved more, asks to kiss him as many times as a crying baby, carefully counting and “weighing” all the portions of affection. Monitors the observance of rights and equality in the family. Don’t force him to help the baby - the time for their friendship will come on its own. Do not count on older children to raise younger ones - after all, this is your child, not theirs... Voluntary care for a toddler should be enjoyed and become a reason for pride.
For you, both children remain, first of all, children - neither big nor small. Don’t say out loud that your daughter is “ALREADY big, she can do everything on her own.” In fact, she is “STILL little, she’s only 4 years old!” - this is exactly what you would say to your friends if the eldest child remained, as before, the only one. You still need each other. At the same time, both of them are your favorite children, albeit with DIFFERENT qualities. Problems are often invented out of thin air: do we love the baby more than we once loved our firstborn or not? Forget about comparisons! Live here and now. Children cannot be loved equally - they are different people, because it is futile to compare the moon and the sun, day and night.
Perhaps the older one will want to spend a little time in the place of the younger one, just as helpless: he will ask you for milk, a stroller for a ride... Then he admits that this role is not beneficial for him - the younger one still has to grow and grow to the age of his capabilities (and, by the way, will never catch up!). Of course, at first there is a lot of fuss and disorganization, but over time an optimal regime, an individual lifestyle, will be developed.
To each according to his needs
How to deal with jealousy? Firstly, stop programming yourself for jealousy and other problems. If you believe that “3 years is the most unfortunate difference, especially for boys” (especially since, according to my observations, jealousy between girls is usually much stronger) - you will unconsciously record the slightest confirmation of this very jealousy, pay attention to it, etc. P. It turns out that children will have an incentive to show this jealousy in order to attract their mother’s attention...
Secondly, what is jealousy? This is INSUFFICIENT satisfaction of a need in another person. Therefore, first you need to try to determine what exactly the NEED for you is for each of their children. Agree that all children are different, therefore, their needs will also be different. And parents often strive to love their children equally, which stimulates jealousy.
Example: let’s say one child loves halva, and for him the need to receive only this same halva from his parents. And the other one loves marshmallows, and for him it will be happiness to receive only marshmallows. But parents strive to love their children equally, and give each one 1 halva and 1 marshmallow. But the first child would dream of having ONLY halva. And he feels deprived, moreover, because of another child (he got the second half!), similarly with the second child.
But if parents took into account the NEEDS of each child, there would be no offense, everyone would get what they dreamed of... That is. It is not important for a child to receive EQUALITY of attention from his parents; it is important for him that he receives the EXACT amount of attention he needs.
Jealousy of mother's men
I have a 10 year old boy. We live together (no husband). Not a single man can come close to me, a terrible attack of jealousy begins, almost hysterically. What to do in such a situation? Please tell me.
I suggest: see the articles What to do if a child is against a new relationship, Introducing a daughter to a new dad, How to competently tell an adult son that I am getting married. Important article - All the best is for adults, but regarding hysterics -
