A very typical and relevant situation: you start dating a young man for whom you feel strong sympathy, but a problem arises - he spends almost all his time at work, and there is practically no time left for you. He also has feelings for you and is not against further relationships, but he only has a couple of hours on his days off. In this case, you need to figure out whether you need a man who, already in the candy-bouquet period, replaces your company with work.
Why is a career so important to men?
Any man wants to achieve self-realization in the workplace. This behavior of men depends on the man himself, whether he wants to follow social rules or not. First of all, work allows a man to raise his social status, gives him the opportunity to manage and lead other people, as a result of which he begins to feel more confident. Secondly, a good job brings in the money you need to support yourself, your girlfriend and your future family. It also allows you to realize your potential and show what a man is capable of.
Therefore, most men consider their work a place where they gain independence and can express their own strengths.
What should you do to prevent your loved one from being completely overwhelmed by work?
First, you need to answer one question: what does a man want to avoid when he devotes all his time to his work? After numerous studies, experts concluded that workaholic men appear in families where there are no warm relationships, they experience a lack of communication, or there are constantly quarrels in the family. When a man lacks communication and warmth, he tries to compensate for this at his workplace.
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Therefore, if a woman wants to spend more time with her loved one, then she needs to create an atmosphere of coziness and comfort in the house. A man’s home should be a place where he will rush from work, because he is loved and understood there.
You can also try to have a serious conversation with him. Try to find out the reason and help him get rid of the habit of being at work all the time. If a man makes contact and the conversation takes place in a free environment, then let him understand that financial well-being is not the main thing for you.
Give him compliments more often, don’t be afraid to overpraise him. Tell him that you love and appreciate him, not because he brings money into the house and gives gifts, but because he appreciates and cares for you. As a result, you need to prove to him that the time you spend together is very important to you.
You are dating a man who you are very interested in, but the problem is that he works very hard. There is no time left for you. At the same time, he wants a relationship, is ready to court, but he only has free time on weekends (and then he sleeps off first). Why is work more important to him, and even during the sweet-bouquet period he cannot find time? Is it worth continuing such a relationship?
This situation is not uncommon. Self-realization at work is very important for men. This does not depend on their desire or unwillingness - these are the rules of the game that society builds. Firstly, work raises the status of a man, giving him the opportunity to manage and feel confident, secondly, it allows him to earn money to provide for his family, and thirdly, there is an opportunity to realize his abilities. Therefore, many men perceive work as a place of strength and independence - sometimes to such an extent that over time they turn into workaholics.
What is a man trying to avoid with such a pronounced emphasis on work? It is known that the most zealous workaholics appear in families where there is no opportunity to receive the required quantity (and quality) of communication and warmth. So you have to compensate elsewhere - at work. This means that the easiest way to wean a man from excessive attachment to work is to make his home a cozy and pleasant place for him, where he can always receive a portion of care, affection and love. It’s worth making an attempt to have a heart-to-heart talk with your partner, to help him move away from his usual fixation on work. It can be useful to tell him in a calm, warm conversation that material support is far from the most important thing you need from him.
Don't be afraid of compliments. Feel free to over-praise. Tell your man how much you appreciate him. For everything he does for you, not just for money. By doing this, you will actually show the importance of the time spent together.
“Earned” men are divided according to their psychological type into workaholics and hard workers.
A workaholic works like a squirrel in a wheel, not even expecting to benefit from the fruits of his labors. Work for him is an end in itself. For a hard worker, work is a good way to achieve the desired results in life. For example, drive a good car, live in a spacious apartment, and be able to go to a resort with your family. That is, a hard worker works to use what he earns and truly enjoy it.
Explain this difference to the man. Outline the bright prospects of how much pleasure you can get from enjoying what you earn, using it for its intended purpose. Reassure him that you will be happy about this.
Often the main value for a workaholic is a sense of self-worth and exclusivity, which generates confidence: they are nowhere without me. And I’m afraid to rest, because it may turn out that “there” they can cope quite well without him. Therefore, it is important to provide a man with confidence that you respect him for his achievements, no matter what others say.
Come up with a joint hobby (they must be in a good relationship). In some cases, a workaholic simply does not know what to do instead of work. There is even a projective psychological test: name 5 things you do together, besides food and sex. If you are able to list them, the relationship can be considered conditionally stable. If not, fill this gap urgently!
Be emotionally attractive. A woman with a spark is what men dream of. Show in practice that family is much better and more comfortable than work. Don't hold back your passion and temperament. To do this, you need to enter the so-called emotionally resourceful state. To do this, remember a situation in life when you were “at the peak”: cheerful, seductive, satisfied with yourself and life. Watch it like a movie starring yourself, from start to finish. Get used to the created image as much as possible, carefully tracking the sensations from each scene. If everything is done correctly, you are guaranteed a good emotional state.
How to return your husband's love?
Some women have such a character that they make fun of others all the time. Of course, husbands get the most. They seem to react adequately at first, but in the end, as a rule, they explode, believing that they are being humiliated in this way and not worth a penny. How to calm down and improve relationships?
Constantly making fun of others is a sign of hidden aggression, a desire to devalue another person in order to feel a little higher, better. This aggression protects unstable self-esteem, that is, self-affirmation occurs at the expense of others.
The husband feels this initially and tolerates it as much as he can, but his sense of self-respect will sooner or later resist. The wife needs to admit that she was wrong and tell her that behind her jokes there is a fear of openly showing true feelings, including love. You need to tell him how valuable he is and that his wife understands the inappropriateness of this style of communication. It is worth understanding your relationship with yourself. A person who truly respects himself will never humiliate others, especially close people.
Why is he rushing things?
After two months of dating, the young man immediately surrounds him with care, insists on meeting every day and almost sets a date to meet his parents. Why is he rushing things? For many girls, this behavior is no less alarming than the exact opposite. If something similar happened to you, think: aren’t you worthy of care and attention or can’t make a young man want to see you every day? What do you suspect him of?
Of course, if you are a rich heiress or a wealthy businesswoman, then there may be selfish intentions on the part of the man and a desire not to miss out on a tasty morsel. Sexual maniacs usually do not introduce girls to their parents. As a rule, this is what decent young people from prosperous, friendly families do. They have nothing to hide from their parents; they take into account their opinion.
Meeting your parents does not oblige you to anything, and, by the way, neither does he. No matter how much a young man is in a hurry, it depends on you how quickly the relationship will develop.
If a man has such a type of thinking and needs that work is a very important event for him, then it will be difficult for you to reduce his level of work.
For example, in my relationship, my girlfriend works all the time, seven days a week, she is always working on some kind of project.
Because of her constant work, it happens that we spend little time together outside of our home. That is, there is no free time to go anywhere, go out of town, etc.
Because of this, automatically, the feeling of each other decreases. Because in order for you to feel each other more, you need to spend quality free time and do it together.
If you both work all the time, the quality of your relationship will not be as high as if you were on vacation together. And there are many different reasons and explanations for this, if you are interested, write in the comments and I will add them.
So.
I tried several times to lower her work level simply by talking to her, but it was no use.
And in fact, this is understandable.
For her, work is life, it is a method through which she learns and develops herself, and this is very important to her, this is her priority in life. The method she chose to develop and learn about herself is work. For me this method is meditation, for others this method is professional sports, for her it is work.
So all I can do is acknowledge this and value her priorities as they are important to her.
Therefore, if work is life for your man, then you may have to come to terms with the fact that he works all the time. Otherwise, you will try to do something that will go against his vital energy and priorities at the moment, and this will only begin to destroy your relationship with him.
But, as I always say, in psychology not everything is so simple.
If a person works all the time, then most likely there is an imbalance in his life. And as I always say, in most cases, people are not aware of what is going on in their lives, especially when it comes to balance and imbalance in their lives.
Therefore, your man may not realize that he has a strong imbalance. Or he may be aware of it, but not feel how much it negatively affects his psyche and health.
Remember that we are used to thinking that the way we live is right, and the way other people live is wrong. Therefore, he will think that he is living correctly until life teaches him differently.
Why am I saying this now?
Moreover, even if he works all the time, there is a chance that he will work less and spend more time with you. This chance can be developed, and this can be done through a conversation with your man on the topic of joint recreation, etc.
As I often explain, having respectful open dialogue with each other in a relationship works wonders.
Therefore, don’t give up, if you want to spend more time with your loved one, then remind him of this, talk openly with him about it, plan joint leisure time.
Well, that’s all for now, see the rest of the options in my video on this issue above. Submit your new questions below.
At the same time, the apartment has high-quality renovation, modern appliances, stylish toys. And it is completely unclear how, with so much free time, the father of the family manages to earn all this. In reality, many mothers, day after day, listen on the phone to such a fairly boring song: Hello, dear! I'm late today. The work is like that... No, I'm serious! “Here we go again,” you sigh. It's a shame to bathe your baby alone. It’s a shame to reheat dinner in the microwave that you really wanted to serve freshly prepared. What to do if your husband is at work all the time, what would that mean?
I'd be happy to serve
The busier your husband is, the more dependent he is on the realities of the modern market. But the reality is this: in order for a company to be at least somewhat profitable for its business, so that it does not go bankrupt and continues to provide jobs, it has to keep the required minimum of employees performing maximum duties. This means that almost every employee is forced to work hard “for himself and for that guy.” And even for several guys. However, forced is not the right word. Everyone has a choice. There is an alternative. Even if it’s as unsightly as quitting even tomorrow and staying on the street without a livelihood. But it is unlikely that it will suit your husband and you. A sad paradox: an irregular worker has become almost the norm. And the higher a person climbs the career ladder, the more likely it is that he will have to stay at work until late. Napoleon said of himself that he was “just the first soldier of the empire.” What can we say about the humble sales manager? The future of the company and himself depends on his activity, so he certainly doesn’t have to rest on his laurels, but has to work hard from morning to night.
What advice can you give to young mothers whose husbands are pursuing careers?
Do not poison your spouse’s soul with undeserved reproaches. Most likely, he himself would be happy to devote less time and effort to work. But there is no other way. Take it for granted.
At the same time, sometimes the wife's slipping dissatisfaction can serve as an incentive for change for the better. Of course, your husband will not get up and leave the board of directors after your angry SMS about the cold dinner. But where it depends on him, he will try not to linger too long.
Remember that “happiness is when you go to work with joy in the morning, and in the evening you return home with joy.” And the second half of this happiness depends entirely on you. Meet your husband with news about the achievements of your children, a delicious dinner and passionate kisses.
Find time to talk. Be aware of your husband's official affairs, and keep him informed of your home affairs.
The real master of everything
A slightly different case is when the father of the family has his own business. On the one hand, he is his own boss. On the other hand, it’s a 24-hour headache and the most unpredictable work schedule. Sometimes he comes early to pick up his son or daughter from kindergarten, but then he will disappear from work for several weeks in a row, even on weekends. Friends are jealous: my husband is a businessman. And trips to the sea, and a new car, and a paid pediatrician - all these are the real results of dad’s hard work. But you hardly see dad himself. You don’t remember the last time you went on a family visit. All invitations are postponed many times due to your husband’s busy schedule. Why are there guests when you miss him so badly! And the baby sees dad only on the screensaver of your mobile phone... Is it possible to somehow change this situation for the better?
Perhaps you would agree to live on less money, if only your husband would be at home more often. However, it is not always possible to conduct a business within limited limits, without developing or expanding it. Competitors are advancing and are about to snatch your market share. In this case, the best solution is to make the spouse’s business a family business. This way you will have more points of contact. Be an assistant and a fighting friend to your husband.
At the same time, talk to your husband about whether he really needs the new directions in which he is now actively engaged. Maybe you can give up something painlessly. Convince your husband that you are ready to do without a housekeeper and without a new fur coat, to hold off on building a summer house or buying a new car (if this is really the case). Your spouse must be absolutely sure that you and your children love him, regardless of the number of bills and credit cards in his wallet.
Almost a hobby
But what about the one whose husband disappears at work without any benefit for the family? First, think about what motivates him? Perhaps this is a calling. Unfortunately, people in many very necessary and useful professions sometimes earn little. Be proud of him. In addition, scientists from the University of Pennsylvania recently refuted the myth that workaholics are bad lovers. Their energy is overflowing! If you want to change the financial situation in your family, your efforts will be required.
Find your husband a part-time job within his specialty.
Look for a decent job for yourself. If not right now, then in the future.
When confronting your husband about his low earnings, take a critical look at yourself. There are many successful women these days, are you one of them?
He leaves for work at dawn and returns at night. It's a shame - he hardly sees you and the children. It's tempting to start a scandal. Is it necessary?
Silence is gold
In the 60s of the past, a book on home economics gave clear recommendations on this matter. So, when meeting her husband, the wife should dress up, not enter into conversations until the man has eaten, not dump her problems on him and not complain if he came late or did not come to spend the night at all. “Treat it as a small thing compared to what he suffered during the day,” the book says.
Fortunately, today, the 21st century, there is still a rational grain in these house-building councils. First of all, there’s really no point in making a scandal. Just imagine, you return home, exhausted and tired, but with the thought that you are doing this for the good of the family, and at home you are greeted with grumbling and reproaches. What will be your response to this? Surely you will want to leave, slamming the door? Therefore, before complaining or blaming, it would be good to mentally switch places with your husband. If you still want to say something harsh, wait - at least a couple of hours. Then the words will be chosen better, and in general - the morning is wiser than the evening.
Tactfully and concisely
Secondly, you really need to greet your spouse with a smile on your face and, if possible, dinner on the table. Let it be semi-finished products from the microwave and rice from the slow cooker - the fact of care itself is important, and not the time you spent. In addition, adhere to these rules of communication with your husband:
Interest in work
For your spouse, work means a lot. Therefore, you need to express interest in her. Ask, find out, advise. And only then introduce him to household chores.
Praise is an incentive
Praise a man. Only he cooks truly delicious borscht, only with him children behave calmly, only he is the only one that the home appliances obey. A little flattery and feminine cunning work wonders.
About business - in advance
Do you have a lot of things to do that would be nice to tackle together? It’s better to ask about this in advance, for example: “Let’s dismantle the balcony together on Saturday.” Clear planning is our everything.
Vacation is for him
Well, it’s also worth speaking correctly about the husband taking a vacation or at least a day off. Describe how tired he is, how hard it is for him and how he needs to rest in order to be healthy. Notice how happy everyone at home will be if you spend some time together.
Love and appreciate
This is the only way a man in the family will feel fulfilled and will try to be at home as often as possible.
Intimate talk
But now the time has come to lay out all your thoughts, because you still haven’t changed your mind about talking to your husband. Your emotions are no longer so strong and you can control yourself. Tell your spouse how hard it is for you and how lonely you feel without him. Try to come to a compromise - for example, he devotes at least one day a week entirely to the family, while turning off the phone. Words don't work? Psychologists advise in this case to write a letter, maybe an email.
Going beyond
A joint hobby will also help you get closer to your husband and take him away from work, at least a little bit. Think about what is interesting to both him and you.
Find something you enjoy to do so you don’t accumulate negative energy in the absence of your spouse. You can play sports, get a manicure, sew, knit, meet your friends for a cup of coffee, and no one will tear you away from it. If you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards it. And remember, a workaholic husband is difficult, but not fatal.
