On Facebook, groups and communities with names containing the words “narcissist, psychopath, abuse, sociopath” have now become popular. The lion's share of participants are women. People join such groups to share life situations about mistreatment and receive support. Most complaints are directed at men. There are many touching stories of escapes, when a woman, having gathered strength and courage, breaks out of a toxic relationship, begins to live and believe in herself. There are many stories about the inability to break free and then everyone vigorously supports (which is self-support, of course).
And there are many requests to confirm the pathology of your rapist, who is nearby, whom you have to endure and suffer because of him, and therefore constantly need support, again and again becoming convinced with the help of the group what an egoist, narcissist and psychopath he is.
These last types of posts - where the main idea is: “confirm that he is a bastard, and I am not a responsible victim for anything” cause me a storm of emotions! Actually, due to my personal characteristics and my professional failures, as a consequence.
Getting acquainted with the content of two such groups on FB made a huge impression on me, as a woman with a wide variety of experiences in relationships (both terrible, painful, and happy) and as a psychologist, and I wanted to write about this impression.
The impression is contradictory and addictive. Feelings of rage and despair. Well, naturally, just like the impression of a narcissistic personality. In particular, groups personally help me a lot in overcoming the urge to act out my own rage and apathy.
On the one hand, for many participants, such groups are a stimulator of whining and additional feeding of their narcissistic pathology. Such an additional mental refuge, where any development becomes even more impossible, and energy goes in a vicious circle.
On the other hand, such groups can become an inoculation (vaccine) against their own falling into narcissistic traps. In a group, it seems to me, you can “heal” (this is my fantasy, but in principle this happens): when you see someone else’s horror, you begin to notice your own more clearly and repeat it in a disgusting way.
There is so much boring and stupid shit there, which is so disgusting that you immediately want to lose it all in your personal life.
It is very typical to point out to victims of violence their role and even ask the question “Why are you putting up with this?” – prohibited by group rules. What is directly diagnostic: no personal responsibility, according to the law!
The rules of the group call this “condemnation of the victim,” who a priori cannot be guilty of anything. I would like to emphasize that violence in these cases includes: insults, dependency, prohibitions, threats, assault and unwanted sex. That is, we are talking about violence in a once-bilaterally approved relationship, violence against adult women who are obviously not in slavery (they have the Internet to use - that’s for sure). But emphasizing the role of a woman, at least in tolerating such treatment, is prohibited.
In this regard, it is difficult to recognize the usefulness of such a group.
After all, if the victim does not see his role– it is more difficult for her to escape from repeated violence. It turns out that the group “by banning personal responsibility” does not fight abuse, but contributes to its continuation.
I repeat that we are talking about a victim who is physically free, an adult and is in a relationship that was once approved by her.
And yet, about the usefulness of the group for me personally, from a third point of view.
For me, this is like training loyalty to this irrational whining about what guilty bastards everyone around is, and he (well, even those whom he appoints) has nothing to do with it at all.
In my practice, it was often impossible for me to withstand this. It happened that I could not help those who contacted me, because I could not listen to these endless complaints, without the slightest suspicion of my own participation. And the therapist should endure this. I've had relationships end because I confronted them too early. A relationship that I cared for and cherished for several years, and then rage covered me and trust was no longer restored.
In my work, I often did not have enough time to catch this moment of my own rage and dwell on it, without giving it any further. And then, reading and re-reading the posts, the anger floods, but there is time to think and think again and think again about my role as an observer or a “ruthless evaluator.” And this is a simulator for a psychotherapist.
Have you ever thought that some of your friends might be narcissists or sociopaths? How to figure them out? All sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths. Let's try to figure it out.
Although these personality types are similar in many ways, they have different motives behind what they do and say. Sociopaths strive to control every breath, narcissists demand that time and attention be devoted to them. Nevertheless, both use the same techniques to tighten the leash more tightly.
These people have five phrases that drive normal people into hysterics.
1. I hate scenes. They will claim that they hate scenes, but it will soon become clear that playing to the public is their way of life. At first they will sing praises and praise your easy, flexible character. Don't forget, these are pathological liars, serial cheaters and perpetual victims. A little later the qualities will come out and lead to confusion. If you mention that you are sad or upset, they will announce that they hate tragic scenes and behave so disgustingly that you will feel even worse. In the end, they will make you feel like an unsurpassed actor.
2. You... Replace the dots with what you need. Psycho, two-faced, jealous, angry, obsessed with me - the list goes on and on. Insults begin when the relationship is already going downhill. At the beginning they say that all their exes, colleagues and friends are psychos, two-faced, jealous, evil and still obsessed with them. However, they maintain contact with these nightmare people, thereby creating chaos. Then you are also included in the “bunch of idiots”, which is why complexes appear and self-esteem decreases. By humiliating, they justify their toxic behavior.
3. How sensitive you are! They get tired of pleasing someone with compliments and flattery quite quickly, so they will ignore you for several days, waiting for a reaction. When you give in, you will immediately be accused of being overly sensitive or intrusive.
They will mock, devalue and criticize, sometimes teasing or joking, until you say everything you think. This is a reason for them to twist everything as if you are delusional. In a few weeks, they can turn a calm, good-natured person into a bundle of nerves, tormented by fears and self-doubt.
4. You misunderstood. We all sometimes don't quite understand what people want to say. But narcissists and sociopaths deliberately say nonsense to unsettle them. This is called gaslighting: doing or saying something on purpose, and then claiming that you misunderstood or deny that it really happened. In fact, you understood everything perfectly. They are just trying to make you doubt your own adequacy.
5. Yes, you will be lost without me. This is the passionate desire of such people. Their manipulative phrases and actions are aimed at making you believe it. But they don't do this because they want a healthy relationship. The main goal is total control and dominance, and they achieve this by making them feel out of place. Don't let yourself be treated like this, you will cope and live without them.
There is a misconception that smart women in our society do not fall in love with sociopaths or narcissists. However, in writing on this topic for five years, I have spoken with very smart and insightful women from all walks of life who have been victims of sociopaths. Lawyers, journalists, consultants, company executives, wise mothers, experienced entrepreneurs, psychiatrists, life coaches, doctors, authors - all of you!
It doesn't matter where they come from, what university they went to, how they were formed, or what life wisdom they should have; no one is immune to the charms of a sociopath, no matter how brilliant you are. Even experts such as Dr. Robert Hare, creator of the Psychopathy Checklist, admit from time to time that they are deceived, despite all their knowledge and experience.
This is because falling in love with a sociopath, narcissist or psychopath has very little to do with a lack of intelligence, knowledge, strength or character. In fact, the more of these traits we have, the more likely we are to be targeted by them. It has more to do with the power of the predator's false mask, the qualities that make us "useful" to the manipulator, as well as our inner vulnerability.
Here are five reasons why smart women (and men) fall in love with sociopaths:
1. Our tendency to project our own morality, empathy, and conscience onto people makes us vulnerable to manipulators.
We begin to rationalize abusive behavior and look for reasons to justify the person's toxicity. Intelligent people tend to be more introspective, so they may even try to share the blame for the mistreatment they experienced and seek an explanation.
This soul-searching can be used by sociopaths against us. We sympathize with the plight of predators and attribute it to low self-esteem or childhood trauma that led to such behavior. While we are busy justifying their behavior, they are busy getting away with it.
As Dr. Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, points out, simple humanity makes us vulnerable. We cannot understand that someone might lack empathy or remorse because we assume that everyone else feels the same way as we do. It takes reprogramming yourself to begin to accept that manipulators may not have the best interests at heart - and that they don't care who they hurt in the process of getting what they want.
2. Past trauma may have caused us to associate love with violence.
Although this factor does not apply to everyone, there are those who also experienced childhood abuse or bullying. These subconscious wounds can make us more susceptible to abusive behavior and to denial or minimization when it occurs because our boundaries are more blurred and we have learned to associate love with violence or danger.
This can also work in reverse: a victim who had a happy childhood may also fall prey to these predatory types because she has not encountered an unconscious person before and does not know how to identify one.
3. Predators naturally gravitate towards those who have the qualities and resources they need. Many are targeted because of their intelligence and success
Think about it: a rich, successful, empathic and beautiful woman is a "shiny object" for a narcissist or sociopath who wants a flawless cover or an additional source of income nearby. The most sadistic way predators use to conquer a strong prey is to make them feel weak.
4. Sociopaths and narcissists sense emotional disconnects in our lives.
Whether they know we've recently broken up and are feeling especially lonely, or are grieving the loss of a loved one, they know how to feel our deepest desires and fill that empty space.
They study all our strengths and weaknesses. The trauma they inflict on us through cycles of idealization, change, and discarding affects the emotional parts of our brain. This affects our subconscious mind, which can cause rigid beliefs and insecurities that we may not even be aware of. Even the smartest people may know that deep down they are being lied to, but their desire to be loved (a very natural human desire) may take precedence over the truth.
5. Experienced manipulators have a lifetime of practice and their victims may doubt themselves.
Even the most discerning individuals can get excited when meeting a wolf in sheep's clothing. If you have been the victim of an emotional scammer, know that it is not your fault. Just keep in mind that no one is ever completely immune to being the target of a manipulator.
Individuals with psychopathic and narcissistic tendencies often use masks when interacting with others to hide their true intentions. To achieve the desired goal, they may appear to be sweet, intelligent and pleasant people and be very convincing in their acting. They may engage in intellectual conversations or make stilted speeches, thereby testing how far others will allow them to go in their desire to dominate and dominate.
The ostentatious charm of a psychopath or narcissist blinds the interlocutor's eyes, disarms him and allows him to manipulate the mind. You too can become a victim of a heartless person if you do not notice the hidden signals in his behavior. In the context of a conversation, you can always identify an antisocial personality; there are ways in front of you that will help you do this.
He pretends to trust you
This cannot but be alarming, but your new acquaintance immediately strives to pour out his soul to you. He talks about his ex-wife, who managed to deprive him of most of his fortune during a divorce. He beats his chest and claims that he was able to rise again and succeed. His revelations are so disarming that you sit and listen to it all with your mouth open. He talks about getting married again, but has no special feelings for his new wife. He has to live with her only out of pity, because if he leaves, she will immediately fall into deep depression or drink herself to death.
Regardless of the nature of the information that is revealed to you, this person is demonstrating a high degree of trust in you. He chose you among hundreds of other people with whom he cannot deal. He may show himself to be weak or powerful, to be completely transparent or mysterious, but through forced intimacy, the psychopath deliberately plays with your feelings.
Why is this tactic necessary?
All his actions are aimed at making a lasting impression on you. The faster you are charmed, the faster you can move on to the next step - the stage of manipulation. Regardless of the content of confidential conversations, psychopaths and narcissists usually do not wait for rapprochement and begin to disarm the victim immediately. Such prematureness should alert you and protect you from further manipulations. Psychologists believe that these people open up for the first time within a few minutes of meeting each other. In other words, they immediately take the bull by the horns.
Repeated repetition of “secret” information
Stories about a wife who won a big sum in a divorce, or about a top-secret assignment that the boss gave to this man last week, will be repeated almost verbatim at every meeting. Of course, each of us has favorite stories that we repeat from time to time in noisy companies in the hope that new listeners will join us. But if the information that is conveyed to you on a regular basis is intended only for you and there is nothing funny about it, this is a reason to think about the goals of the storyteller.
What causes cyclicality?
If self-serving information aimed at self-aggrandizement is repeated repeatedly, it is likely that the individual is not only processing you. Psychopaths and narcissists actively seek victims in pursuit of their own interests, so they may not remember who they told this story to last week. There is not even a grain of truth in such stories. These people love to lie not only for self-aggrandizement, but also for fun. Why don't they remember the people with whom they shared "secret" facts? This happens because this information does not carry any significance for them, and those around them are perceived as the same type of faceless objects.
Lack of interest in your affairs
When the conversation ends, you will catch yourself thinking that the interlocutor did not ask you a single question regarding your personal life. Have you learned a lot about him, but in turn remained a mystery? Why did it happen? The answer emerges naturally: psychopaths and narcissists do not care about the needs, wants and feelings of others. This kind of information asymmetry warns you to stay away from your new acquaintance.
Gaining trust
However, antisocial individuals have learned over many years of interacting with other people in society that good people are expected to participate. They may put on a mask of virtue, but they betray themselves by certain behavior. For example, wanting to demonstrate their interest to you, this person will quickly ask a bunch of questions and will do everything possible so that you do not have time to answer any of them. He will also try to get information about the stressors that depress you the most. Once you expose your Achilles heel, he will shower you with offers of help. All these efforts are aimed at ultimately gaining your trust.
Request for a favor
In the clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, there is such a criterion as asking for a favor. But while most people in various social situations ask for favors out of genuine need or to create intimacy in a relationship, narcissists and psychopaths do so because they believe they have a right to manage other people's time and efforts. To do this, they often use the term "special" to show you that you are at the top of the list of privileged people they have managed to make happy.
Why are such requests needed?
Psychopaths and narcissists have mastered the techniques of manipulation. They ask for favors at every opportunity. Sometimes they see you as someone they can use to satisfy their immediate needs. Sometimes their goal is to create a connection in which you will become aware of your own servility. In this case, all these unimportant requests may be just a test. If you agree to these terms, then you can be used and manipulated. And the longer you communicate, the more significant the requests will become that will be aimed at testing your will.
Strange remarks
You chat with a person for a while, and suddenly he asks you a completely illogical question: “Is it difficult to be the smartest person in the room?” However, you have never spoken on the topic of intelligence and stupidity, and you have never positioned yourself as a convinced intellectual. Such a remark is used to flatter you, as well as to emphasize the suppression of the rest of the team members.
Unmerciful blows
Psychopaths and narcissists are adept at using unmerciful blows. For example, if there is a small-minded person (or group of people) in a room, they will do everything to destabilize the situation by comparing the intelligence levels (physical strength levels) of those present in a given place at a given time. This intention can be a simple test to gauge how you intend to stand up for yourself and how you will behave when confronted with a harsh remark or unkind remark.
With the help of this technique, antisocial individuals seek to strengthen their power over other people. He may flatter you, but in his heart he will hate you, moreover, throughout the entire conversation he will mentally mock you. Such caustic remarks should alert you and put an end to communication with a calculating manipulator.
