Savage: or why the child does not communicate with peers. The child does not want to communicate with children: reasons, symptoms, character types, psychological comfort, counseling and advice from a child psychologist I do not know how to communicate with peers

Summary: Communication of the child with peers. Age features of communication between a preschooler and peers. Why do children fight? How friendship begins.

At the preschool age, other children of the same age are firmly and forever included in the child's life. A complex and sometimes dramatic picture of relationships unfolds between preschoolers. They make friends, quarrel, reconcile, take offense, get jealous, help each other, and sometimes do petty "dirty tricks". All these relationships are acutely experienced and carry a lot of different emotions. Emotional tension and conflict in the sphere of children's relationships is much higher than in the sphere of communication with an adult. Parents sometimes are unaware of the wide range of feelings and relationships that their children experience, and, naturally, do not attach much importance to children's friendship, quarrels, and grievances.

Meanwhile, the experience of the first relationships with peers is the foundation on which the further development of the child's personality is built. This first experience largely determines the nature of a person's relationship to himself, to others, to the world as a whole. It does not always work out well. In many children, already in preschool age, a negative attitude towards others is formed and consolidated, which can have very sad long-term consequences. It is the most important task of parents to identify problem forms of a child's relationship with peers in time and help to overcome them. To do this, you need to know the age characteristics of children's communication, the normal course of development of communication with peers.

How do babies communicate

The communication of younger preschoolers is completely different from their communication with adults. They talk differently, look at each other, behave differently.

The first thing that catches your eye is the extremely vivid emotional richness of children's communication. They literally cannot speak calmly - they shout, squeal, laugh, rush, scare each other and at the same time choke with delight. Increased emotionality and relaxedness significantly distinguishes the contacts of babies from their interaction with adults. In the communication of peers, about 10 times more vivid expressive-mimic manifestations are observed, expressing a variety of emotional states: from furious indignation to violent joy, from tenderness and sympathy to a fight.

Another important feature of children's contacts is their non-standard behavior and the absence of any rules and decency. If, in communicating with adults, even the smallest children adhere to certain norms of behavior, then when interacting with peers, kids use the most unexpected and unpredictable sounds and movements. They jump, take bizarre poses, grimace, mimic each other, crackle, croak and bark, come up with unimaginable sounds, words, fables, etc. Such eccentricities bring them unbridled gaiety - and the weirder, the more fun. Naturally, such manifestations annoy adults - and one wants to stop this mess as soon as possible. It seems that such pointless fussing only disturbs the peace, of course, it has no benefit and has nothing to do with the development of the child. But if all children of preschool age, at the first opportunity, grimace and imitate each other again and again, does it mean they need it for something?

What gives preschoolers such strange communication?

Such freedom, unregulated communication of preschoolers allows the child to show his initiative and originality, his original beginning. It is very important that other children quickly and with pleasure take up the child's initiative, multiply it and return it in a transformed form. For example, one shouted, the other shouted and jumped - and both laugh. Identical and unusual actions bring toddlers self-confidence and bright, joyful emotions. In such contacts, young children experience an incomparable feeling of their similarity to others. After all, they jump and croak in the same way and at the same time experience general immediate joy. Through this community, recognizing and multiplying themselves in the same age, children try and assert themselves. If an adult carries culturally normalized patterns of behavior for a child, then a peer creates conditions for individual, non-standardized, free manifestations. Naturally, with age, children's contacts are increasingly subject to generally accepted rules of behavior. However, a special relaxedness, the use of unpredictable and non-standard means remains a distinctive feature of children's communication until the end of preschool age, and maybe even later.

At a younger preschool age, a child expects a peer to participate in his own fun and longs for self-expression. It is necessary and sufficient for his peer to join his pranks and, acting with him or alternately, support and enhance the general fun. Each participant in such communication is primarily concerned with attracting attention and receiving an emotional response from a partner. Communication of babies depends entirely on the specific environment in which the interaction takes place, and on what the other child is doing and what is in his hands.

It is characteristic that the introduction of an attractive object into the communication situation of children can destroy their interaction: they switch attention from a peer to the object, or they fight over it. Everyone knows the "showdown" in the sandbox, when two kids cling to one machine and, with a cry, each drag it in his direction. At the same time, mothers convince the kids not to quarrel and play together, together. But the trouble is that kids don't know how to play toys together. Their communication is not yet connected with objects and with the game. A new interesting toy for a kid is more attractive object than his peer. Therefore, the object, as it were, covers up another child, the child's attention is attracted to the toy, and the peer is perceived as a hindrance. It is quite another matter when there are no such distracting objects, when there is "pure communication" between the kids - here they are united in common fun and enjoy the company of their peers.

Although children perceive their peers in a very peculiar way. Most younger preschoolers are characterized by an indifferent attitude towards another child. Three-year-old children, as a rule, are indifferent to the success of a peer and to his assessment by an adult. The support and recognition of an adult is much more important for them than of another child. The kid does not seem to notice the actions and states of his peer. He does not remember his name and even appearance poorly. In principle, he doesn't care who to bother with and rush about, it is important that he (the partner) be the same, act and experience the same. Thus, the peer does not yet play a significant role in the life of younger preschoolers.

At the same time, his presence increases the general emotionality and activity of the child. This is expressed primarily in the joy and even delight with which the baby imitates the movements and sounds of his peers, in his desire to be close to them. The ease with which three-year-olds become infected with shared emotional states testifies to the special commonality that arises between young children. They feel their similarity, their belonging to a common family. "You and I are of the same blood," as if they say to each other with their antics and jumps. This commonality is also expressed in the fact that they willingly seek and enthusiastically discover similarities in each other: the same tights, the same mittens, the same sounds and words, etc. Such feelings of community, connections with others are very important for the normal development of communication and self-awareness. child. They form the foundation of the child's relationship to other people, create a feeling of belonging to others, which further relieves the painful feelings of loneliness. In addition, such communication with others helps the little person to better distinguish and become aware of himself. By repeating the same movements and sounds, children reflect each other, become a kind of mirrors in which you can see yourself. The child, "looking at a peer," as it were, highlights in himself specific actions and qualities.

It turns out that, despite its "licentiousness" and seemingly senselessness, such emotional communication is very useful. Of course, if such fun and pranks prevail in the communication of 5-6-year-old children, this is already abnormal. But at 2-4 years old, you cannot deprive a child of the joy of direct emotional interaction with peers.

However, for parents, this kind of childish joy is very tiring, especially in an apartment where there is nowhere to hide and where the child's running around threatens both property and the children themselves. To avoid tensions, you can give children's communication a calmer and more cultural form, without violating its psychological essence. All games in which children act in the same way and at the same time are suitable for such communication. These are numerous round dance games ("Bunny", "Carousel", "Bubble", "Loaf", etc.), as well as games in any animals - frogs, birds, bunnies, where kids jump together, croak, chirp, etc. Such amusements are usually accepted with delight by children and, in addition to pure childish joy, carry with them an organizing and developing principle.

At 3-4 years old, communication with peers brings mostly joyful emotions. But later, more complex and not always rosy relationships arise.

Why do children fight?

In the middle of preschool age, there is a decisive change in attitude towards a peer. The picture of children's interaction is changing significantly. After four years, communication (especially among children attending kindergarten) with a peer becomes more attractive than communication with an adult and takes an increasing place in the child's life. Preschoolers are already quite consciously choosing a peer society. They clearly prefer to play together (rather than alone), and other children become more attractive partners than adults.

Along with the need for joint play, a 4-5 year old child usually needs recognition and respect from a peer. This natural need creates a lot of problems in children's relationships and becomes the cause of many conflicts. The child strives with all his might to attract the attention of others, sensitively catches signs of attitude towards himself in their looks and facial expressions, demonstrates resentment in response to inattention or reproaches from partners. For a child, his own action or statement is much more important, and in most cases the initiative of a peer is not supported by him. This is especially evident in the inability to continue and develop the dialogue, which falls apart due to the inability to hear the partner. Everyone talks about their own, shows their achievements and does not react at all to the statements of the partner. For example, here is a typical conversation between two little girlfriends:

My doll has a new dress.
- And my mother bought slippers, look ...
- And my doll is better than yours - her hair is so long and you can braid it.
- And I'm tying my bows. I already know how to tie bows, but you do not.
- And I can draw a princess with bows ...

What's going on here? It would seem that the girls are playing. But in every phrase of their conversation there is always an "I": I have, I can, mine is better, etc. Children seem to boast to each other of their skills, dignity, property. It is important not only to have all these advantages, but to demonstrate them to a peer, and so that at least in something (and better in everything) to surpass a partner. A new thing or toy that cannot be shown to anyone loses half of its appeal.

The fact is that a small child needs confidence that he is the best, the most beloved. This confidence is completely justified, since it reflects the attitude of close adults towards him, for whom he is always "the best", especially when he is little. Mom or grandmother does not need to prove that he is the best. But as soon as the baby is among the children, this truth ceases to be so obvious. And he has to prove his right to be unique and superior. A variety of arguments are suitable for this: slippers, bows, and doll hair. But behind all this is: "Look how good I am!" And a peer is needed in order to have someone to compare yourself with (otherwise how can you show that you are the best?), And in order to have someone to show your property and your advantages.

It turns out that preschoolers see in others first of all themselves: their attitude towards themselves and an object for comparison with themselves. And the peer himself, his desires, interests, actions, qualities are completely unimportant: they are simply not noticed and not perceived. Rather, they are perceived only when the other begins to interfere, does not behave as we would like.

And immediately the partner calls out a harsh and unambiguous assessment: "Don't push, you idiot!" - means, greedy, doing something wrong - means a fool. And all these discontent preschoolers frankly and directly express to their little friend. But a friend needs something completely different! He also needs recognition, approval, praise! But praising or approving a peer at this age is very difficult.

It turns out that, feeling the need for the recognition and admiration of others, the children themselves do not want and cannot express approval to another, their peer, they simply do not notice his merits. This is the first and main reason for the endless quarrels of children.

At the age of 4-5, children often ask adults about the successes of their comrades, demonstrate their advantages, try to hide their mistakes and failures from their peers. In children's communication at this age, a competitive, competitive beginning appears. The "invisibility" of a peer turns into a keen interest in everything that he does. The successes and failures of others take on special meaning for the child. In any activity, children intently and jealously observe the actions of their peers, evaluate them and compare them with their own. Children’s reactions to an adult’s assessment — whom he will praise and who may be scolded — also become sharper and more emotional. The success of a peer in many children can cause grief, but his failure is an undisguised joy. At this age, there are such difficult experiences as envy, jealousy, resentment against a peer. They, of course, complicate children's relationships and become the reason for numerous children's conflicts.

So, we see that in the middle of preschool age there is a profound qualitative restructuring of the child's attitude to his peer. The other child becomes the subject of constant self-comparison. This comparison is aimed not at finding commonality (as in three-year-olds), but at opposing oneself and the other. It is important for everyone to show that he is at least somehow better than others - he jumps better, draws, solves problems, has the best things, etc. Such a comparison reflects, first of all, changes in the child's self-awareness. Through comparison with a peer, he evaluates and asserts himself as the owner of certain merits, which are important not in themselves, but "in the eyes of another." This other for a 4-5-year-old child becomes a peer. All this gives rise to numerous conflicts of children and such phenomena as boasting, demonstrativeness, competitiveness. Some children literally "get stuck" in negative experiences and suffer in earnest if someone is superior to them in something. Such experiences can in the future become the source of many serious problems, which is why it is very important to "slow down" in time the impending wave of envy, jealousy and boasting. At preschool age, this can be done through joint activities of children, and primarily through play.

This age is the heyday of role-playing. At this time, the game becomes collective - children prefer to play together rather than alone. The main content of communication between children in the middle of preschool age is now in a common cause or business cooperation. Collaboration should be distinguished from complicity. Younger children, as we have already noted, acted simultaneously and in the same way, side by side, but not together. It was important for the kids to share their emotions and repeat the movements of a peer. In business communication, when preschoolers are busy with a common cause, they must coordinate their actions and take into account the activity of their partner in order to achieve a common result. Here it is already completely unacceptable to repeat the actions or words of another, because each has its own role. Most role-playing games are designed so that each role involves a partner: if I am a doctor, I need a patient; if I am a seller, then I need a buyer, and so on. Therefore, cooperation, coordination of actions with a partner is a necessary condition for a normal game.

In the role-playing game, there is absolutely no reason to compete and compete - after all, all the participants have a common task that they must complete together. It is no longer so important for children to assert themselves in the eyes of their peers; it's much more important to play together to make a good game, or a beautiful doll room, or a big house made of blocks. It doesn't matter who built this house. The main thing is the result that we achieve together. Thus, it is necessary to shift the child's interests from self-affirmation as the main meaning of his life to joint activities with other children, where the main thing is the overall result, and not his personal achievements. By creating conditions for common play and uniting the efforts of children to achieve a common goal, you will help your child get rid of many personality problems.

However, for many five-year-olds, the heightened need for peer recognition and respect is only an age-related feature. By the older preschool age, the attitude towards the peer changes significantly again.

Where does friendship begin

By the age of 6-7, preschool children have significantly increased friendliness towards peers and the ability to help each other. Of course, the competitive, competitive principle persists for life. However, along with this, in the communication of older preschoolers, the ability to see in a partner not only his situational manifestations is gradually revealed: what he has and what he does, but also some psychological aspects of the partner's existence: his desires, preferences, moods. Preschoolers now not only talk about themselves, but also ask their peers with questions: what he wants to do, what he likes, where he was, what he saw, etc. Interest in the personality of the peer is awakening, which is not associated with his specific actions.

By the age of 6, many children have a direct and disinterested desire to help a peer, to give him something or give in to something. Malevolence, envy, and competitiveness appear less often and not as sharply as at the age of five. Emotional involvement in the activities and experiences of a peer also significantly increases during this period. It is important for children what and how the other child does (what he plays, what he draws, what books he looks at), not to show that I am better, but just like that, because this other becomes interesting in itself. Sometimes, even contrary to the accepted rules, they strive to help another, to suggest to him the correct move or answer. If 4-5-year-old children willingly, following an adult, condemn the actions of a peer, then 6-year-old boys, on the contrary, can unite with a friend in their "opposition" to an adult, defend or justify him. For example, when an adult negatively assessed one boy (or rather, his construction from a construction set), another boy defended his comrade: “He knows how to build well, he just hasn't finished yet, wait, and he will be fine.”

All this indicates that the thoughts and actions of older preschoolers are aimed not only at a positive assessment of the adult and not only at emphasizing their own advantages, but also directly at the other child, at making him feel better.

Many children are already able to empathize with both the successes and failures of their peers. So, for example, they are happy when a kindergarten teacher praises their friend, and they get upset or try to help when something does not work out for him. A peer, thus, becomes for the child not only a means of self-affirmation and an object of comparison with himself, not only a preferred partner, but also a self-valuable person, important and interesting, regardless of his achievements and his toys.

Children become interested in what the other child is experiencing and prefers:

Aren't you hurt? Doesn't it hurt you?
- Don't you miss your mom?
- Want to bite off an apple?
- Do you like transformers?
- What cartoons do you like?

Such questions of six-year-old children, for all their naivety and simplicity, express not only interest in activities or in the "property" of a peer, but attention to the child himself and even care for him. A peer is now not only an object for comparison with oneself and not only a partner in an exciting game, but also an intrinsically valuable, significant human personality with his own experiences and preferences.

In older preschool age, children more and more often do something specifically for another, to help him or somehow make him better. They themselves understand this and can explain their actions:

I agreed to play with these dolls, because Katya loves to play in them.
- I grunt so much because I wanted to make Olya laugh, she was sad.
- I wanted Sasha to draw a good car as soon as possible, and therefore I chose sharp pencils and gave him ...

In all these explanations, the other child is no longer a competitor or an adversary, he is an original personality: he loves something, rejoices in something, wants something. It is very important that children think not only about how to help another, but also about his moods, desires; they sincerely want to bring joy and pleasure to the other. Friendship begins with such attention to the other, with care for him.

In older preschool age, attitudes towards peers become more stable, independent of the specific circumstances of interaction. By the end of preschool age, strong selective attachments arise between children, the first shoots of true friendship appear. Preschoolers gather in small groups (2-3 people) and show a clear preference for their friends. They care most about their friends, prefer to play with them, sit next to the table, walk for a walk, etc. Friends tell each other about where they have been and what they saw, share their plans or preferences, assess qualities and the actions of others. Question: "Who are you friends with?" becomes common and almost mandatory. As well as the phrases: "I am no longer friends with you", "Nadya and I are friends, but Tanya and I are not," etc. Sometimes (and more and more often), already at 6-7 years old, the first children's love between boys and girls. On this basis, real dramas of small "betrayals", "betrayals" and, conversely, manifestations of loyalty and selflessness unfold. But that is another topic.

Now it is important for us to emphasize that the sequence presented above for the development of communication and attitudes towards a peer in preschool age is far from always being realized in the development of specific children. It is widely known that there are significant individual differences in the attitude of a child towards peers, which largely determine his well-being, position among others, and, ultimately, the characteristics of personality formation.

How to develop communication skills in a child from 3-7 years old

If your child from 3 to 7 years, in forging contacts and developing communication skills in a group will help you the game... At this age, children learn everything through play. Play more with your child, trying on different roles. Show him, through the game, various models of behavior in a given situation.

For example, you can play the game "What will happen if ..." with your child. To do this, invite your child to answer the questions and discuss his answers with him:

If someone accidentally pushed you, what will you do?
If you are teased, what will you do?
If your friend got a new toy, would you be happy for him?
If your friend shared a secret with you, but you really want to tell it, what will you do?
If you were treated to something delicious, would you share with someone? With whom?

It is very important to lead the child to the correct answer, then he will get the impression that he himself came to this idea. This forms a positive self-esteem in the child, gives him confidence.

It is very important, at this age, to teach a child to recognize different feelings and emotions. Play a game with your child in which he will need to demonstrate various emotions. For example, when someone is sad, or very happy, when a person has eaten something very sour or very angry, etc.

Introduce your baby to a peer yourself. Having one friend will give the child confidence and then he will be able to get acquainted on his own.

At this age, praise is very important. Praise the child more often it will also give him confidence. And if criticism is in your vocabulary more than praise, then by the age of 7, reap the benefits in the form of a shy and timid child.

Also, read our article on. This article is suitable for the age group under 5 years old.

How to develop your teen's communication skills

During adolescence, it is important to build contacts with peers, while not at the expense of learning.

The main rule for all ages is this. communicate more with the child... Take an interest in what his peers are fond of. Help your child fit in with the company (change their image, get a crazy hairdo, buy him a skateboard, send him to some courses). After all, if a child feels comfortable among his peers, it will be easier for him to make friendships. With a positive effect (correct setting of priority goals, positive influence of peers), the child will become more self-confident, respond more in class and take additional assignments, and this means he will improve his academic performance.

You can also give your child some advice on making peer friendships. We have made a small selection of such tips for you, based on the advice of child psychologist, sociologist T. Armstrong, from his book. You can read a review of this book on our website.

Listen carefully to everything that others have to say. Let your friends talk and focus on what they are saying. Do not draw all the attention to yourself and do not interrupt. Learn active listening (a teenager is already able to master this technique). Let the interlocutor know that you are listening to him attentively by means of a smile, a nod of the head, "aha" and "uh-huh" and leading questions.
Be yourself! Shyness and reticence will not prevent others from thinking that you can communicate. A person can be won over by asking the right questions and listening carefully to the answers.
Find common interests. In the conversation, try to find common topics that interest both you and the interlocutor. Talk to your friends about a book you read or a new movie you watched or the last hockey game or new video game.
Chat with people with similar interests... For example, you are an athlete and have long wanted to meet the guys from the team that are older than you. Go for it!
Set yourself a goal- meet new people every day, week or month.
Feel in school life... Sign up for a circle or section, take part in various programs and competitions, more often give an essay and presentation, etc.

If your child is experiencing difficulty speaking in front of a large audience, help him with advice, for example:

Try to speak a little more out loud every day than you did yesterday.
As long as you speak, do not care what others think of you.
When responding with a report, speak loudly, clearly and slowly. And remember, if at this time you want to whisper, mumble or blurt out everything at once, then in the end you will have to repeat everything from the beginning. It's better to do everything right at once.
Breathe deeply - this is a familiar, but effective advice. Deep breathing is soothing.
Practice performing at home in front of your parents or a friend.

Look for opportunities to learn something... Every person you meet:

* knows something that you do not know;

** familiar with people with whom you are not yet familiar;

*** did something that you have never done.

Think how much you can learn from everyone you meet!

Don't rush to hang labels... It is very easy to call a person a nerd, a loser, a smart guy, without even trying to get to know him better. Better find out what you can have in common with these people and what you can learn from them.
Add all classmates on social networks... So if someone is sick, they will be pleased to receive a message about a speedy recovery or the latest news in the class / school for the day that they missed.

However, you can choose methods to help your child develop friendships with peers, taking into account his characteristics (psychological, moral and physical).

Good luck and communicate with your children more!

Psychologist with 16 years of practical work experience. Olga works in the following areas: Gestalt therapy, Psychodrama, Systemic family therapy, Short-term psychodynamic psychotherapy.

Current page: 1 (total of the book has 7 pages) [available passage for reading: 2 pages]

Yulia Vasilkina

What to do if your child has difficulty communicating with peers

Introduction

We all love our children and are very worried when they step on the same rake over and over again. For example, communication with peers. We already explain to the child, and give instructions on how to act in a given situation. But the "rake" hits the forehead again. He's upset, so are we. But the ability to communicate with others is one of the most important social skills. And, of course, each parent wants to see his child as a master of communication: so that he achieves his goals and maintains relations with others.

Here is another book from the series "Reshebnik for Parents", where we discuss various problems. After all, being a parent is real work. And we, parents, are great helpers for our children in comprehending the science of communication. But while every child is unique, similar problems have similar solutions. And our topic today is what to do if a child does not know how to communicate with peers. Let's try to figure it out!

The Science of Communication with the Right to Error

“My child doesn't know how to communicate,” the agitated mom of a six-year-old tells me. That's it, no more, no less. We start to find out. It turns out that in general he is in good contact with adults. There are friends in the garden and on the playgrounds. So why is it so categorical - "does not know how to communicate"? When I hear these phrases from parents, they usually mean that the parents see some problems that interfere with the child. And sometimes not to the child at all, but to the parents. Them seems that he communicates somehow wrong. Either too rude or too timid, but always too much .

This book is for parents who are concerned about how their child interacts with other children. The most important thing that you will find in the book is a description of common age-related problems that arise in communication with children at different periods of their lives. From my own experience, I can say that most of these problems in children are temporary, and when the parents understand what exactly is happening, they calm down and give the child the opportunity to live, outgrow and exhaust them.

Also in the book you will find four stories from practice, illustrating the four main obstacles in communication: aggressiveness, shyness, touchiness and demonstrativeness ... As with the other books in this series, you will find mini-tests to help you pinpoint the cause of the problem, as well as recommendations for getting over the situation as quickly as possible. After all, this is what we are striving for.

And we also need to define ourselves in terms. Some of the children are brought up in a family with both parents, some have only a mom or dad, someone lives with a stepfather or stepmother, and there are those who have adopted parents. In order not to get confused, in the book I will call all adults “parents”, sometimes “mom” and “dad”, meaning that they may not be blood relatives of the child. After all, the reason for which they are next to the child, from the "blood relationship" almost does not change.

Are you worried that your child makes mistakes in communicating with others and suffers from it? You do not yet know how to help him understand the causes of the problems and start acting in a different way: more peacefully, openly, effectively? Well, each of us in childhood began to comprehend the difficult science of communication, and no one was without mistakes. What can I say, we still learn to communicate every day and still make mistakes that we regret. What to demand from a child who is at the very beginning of the path?

We hope that you will receive answers to your questions and help your child become more competent in communication. Having experience working with children and their parents, I am sure that in most cases parents can deal with this problem on their own. You just need to understand the reasons, and then apply strength and help your child.

Part one

About communication, "inept" and not only

What is communication?

We use the term "communication" so often that we no longer think about what exactly it means. Intuitively understandable: in this process, two or more people are united, who share information, emotions, feelings with each other, interact and influence each other. Let my colleagues who will read this book forgive me: I will not delve further into professional casuistry. There are many definitions of communication, textbooks and articles in encyclopedias are devoted to this topic, but it is unlikely that parents reading the book will be able to learn something useful from theoretical disputes. They are interested in something completely different: how to help a child become more competent in this very communication! Therefore, I will give some theoretical foundations, but only those that will really help us in laying the "foundation".

The first communication problem: ineffective start, which does not provide an opportunity to establish and develop contact.

First task: teach the child to start communication in such a way as to get a response, as well as to further develop interaction.

2. When communicating, people "reflect" each other. There is a theory of the "mirror self" (by Charles Cooley), according to which a person in communication is guided by his ideas about how he seems to other people, how others evaluate him. In other words, we perceive the other not only as a communication partner, but also as a reflection of ourselves. For example, a child will be more willing to communicate with peers who (as he believes) love him and want to be friends with him. And those who (as he believes) treat him badly, he can either avoid or show aggression towards them. Although in fact, his perception may not correspond to reality.

Second communication problem: excessive "thinking", often in a negative direction, which blocks liveliness in communication. The child may feel that they are being treated worse than they really are. Or, on the contrary, to ignore the negative attitude towards yourself, over and over again "bumping" on "I will not play with you."

Second task: teach the child to think less about what they might think of him. And more based on real incentives coming from other people.

3. When communicating, people relate to each other in a certain way. Now it's not only about what a person thinks, how others relate to him. The point is that we really somehow relate to every person who is at least somewhat familiar to us (and even to strangers). Attitude can be conducive to successful communication if it is positive. Or it can hinder him. For example, if one child considers a peer to be a person of fun, interesting and ready to play, then he begins to communicate with him on a positive note. This is how a friendship is formed step by step. If the child says: "He is greedy, never shares, wants everything to be just the way he wants," then it is unlikely that a friendly contact will develop between them.

The third communication problem: too "harsh" assessment of the communication partner, which is based on only a few episodes.

Third task: teach your child to be more flexible and interested in others, which will help make the relationship more friendly. It is important that, despite the unpleasant episode, the child is ready to “try again”.

And this, perhaps, encourages him to postpone his fun and accept the invitation. But the methods of influence are different. Someone acts, demonstratively offended and "pressing" on the feeling of guilt. Someone is overly aggressive. Someone, instead of enthralling, arrogantly orders. And someone is naughty.

The fourth communication problem: inadequate methods of influencing another person.

The fourth task: to teach the child - for communication to take place, the methods of influence must be adequate and built on respect.

Six major communication assistants

What personality traits affect communication in the best possible way? In describing them, I will say "person", meaning both adults and children. After all, these features are universal!

Trait # 1: the ability to feel (empathy). I AM it is no coincidence that I wrote the word "sympathy" in this way. It's about ability share feelings both joyful and sad. But rejoicing for the success of another is much more difficult than feeling sorry for him!

Trait # 2: Willingness to Agree - focus on finding out the point of view of another person, clearly expressing your expectations, discussing both points of view and agreeing that there will be no “losers” as a result. The ability to act in the position "we are together against the problem" is very beneficial in communication.

Trait # 3: Tolerance (Tolerance) - the position of accepting the characteristics, desires, habits, foundations of another person, which are different from their own. A tolerant position expands the circle of friends and inspires respect.

Trait # 4: communication flexibility - the ability to track and quickly adapt to the changing situation of communication. It requires empathy, attention to the communication partner, and the desire to maintain contact.

Trait # 5: Goodwill. Impossible without empathy, but not equal to it. Anyone who has goodwill initially assumes that next to him is a good, interesting, worthy person. This position helps to quickly win over a partner.

Trait number 6: the ability to stand up for yourself and your beliefs. Without this quality, a person can "get lost" by concentrating too much on other people's interests and desires. A balance is needed: respect the other, but do not forget about yourself!

Attention: line interference!

Our book is dedicated to communication problems. And we will talk in detail in the third chapter about which traits provoke failure in communication. For now, let's list some of them.

Hindrance # 1: Aggressiveness. It is physical when the child easily gives vent to his fists. Its variety is the destruction of the products of the activity of other children: the breakdown of buildings, damage to drawings, etc. And sometimes there is verbal aggression, and then they say about the child: "He has an evil tongue." Sooner or later, an exclusion zone will form around such a child, because other children do not want to become victims of his aggressive manifestations. Sometimes the weaker ones ("entourage") appear next to him, but this is not the kind of communication that you would like to see?

Hindrance # 2: resentment. Such children very easily "leave" communication if something does not go the way they would like. They are often quite selfish, and resentment is a form of pressure on others. But what “works” in the communication of adults hardly works between children, especially in the case of resentful boys. Other children, having a little patience and waiting for a friend to return to communication, begin to go about their business, gradually excluding him from joint games. Who will like the fact that the game is interrupted all the time by offended screams, flight and "inflated" silence?

Hindrance # 3: Shyness. The child is afraid to start communication, and also strains if someone approaches him with the best intentions. Even if he is interested, he does not show activity, and gradually the other child simply leaves without developing contact. Shy children have two problems: they cannot initiate communication or support someone started. And only if the other child is very persistent and patient, communication has a chance to take place.

Hindrance # 4: Demonstration. Such a child always wants to be "in sight": "Look how I can!", "But what I have!", "I have better than you!" And all these "I", "mine", "I have" are simply endless. But no one likes to be "in the shadow" of such an upstart. That is why communication problems are increasing.

Hindrance # 5: victim position. This is a child who, as the saying goes, "is ready to turn the other cheek." He is used to being downtrodden, offended, deprived. If someone is missing something, then this is it. Of course, the position of the victim can be "implicated" in shyness and resentment. But sometimes it is so demonstrative that it becomes clear: its owner needs it for something, even if it does not allow him to communicate normally with others.

Hindrance # 6: Inexperienced Leadership. This is also a "cocktail" of qualities. But the main thing here is the desire to be the main one, to lead the others.

If it is important for a child who is simply demonstrative to be noticeable, then the leader needs to be obeyed. And when force and pressure are used for this, few like it. Another option: there is a desire to lead, but how exactly to take the leadership position is unknown. So internal dissatisfaction is growing, which interferes with communication with other children.

Hindrance # 7: Propensity for direct exchange. In other words: "you are for me, I am for you." In kindergarten you can see such scenes: "I will let you see the tractor only if you let me play with your typewriter." At school: "I'll give you to write off a math assignment, but only if you give me Russian."

All children sometimes use these techniques, but there are those who have a permanent position of "exchange". They seem to be calculating whether they have invested more in the relationship than the partner. Moreover, they constantly think that some kind of injustice is being done against them, which they are trying to overcome. Their suspicion is doing them a disservice.

Self-esteem with a "too" sign

We have already examined the main features that, manifested in a child, make it difficult for him to communicate. But such a parameter as self-esteem deserves a special mention. Interesting are the results of a study carried out by Professor EO Smirnova, Doctor of Psychology, and her colleagues. Children can have a variety of communication problems. They can have different personality traits. But there is a parameter that unites them: hypertrophied self-esteem. Moreover, it can be overestimated, underestimated or even adequate, all this is not a source of conflicts.

“The main reason,” writes EO Smirnova, “is the dominance of one's own value and the associated concentration on what it means to others. Such a child constantly thinks about how he is treated and how others evaluate him, and acutely experiences their attitude. " For such a child, his "I" is absolute center Total. He is constantly trying to grasp how others treat him. With approval? Condemnation? Are you ready to praise or scold? Will they admire or look for flaws? It seems to him that others have nothing to do, except to watch him.

Remember we already talked about the theory of the "mirror self"? Such children not only try to sensitively grasp the attitude of others, they actively fantasize on this topic, taking their own fantasies for reality. The teacher threw a disapproving glance, and the child begins to tensely think why she is angry with him. He cannot just “ignore”! The fact that the teacher's gaze was not at all connected with him, but simply had a headache and therefore she frowned, he cannot admit. Several such episodes, and the child is already sure: "She does not love me!"

Children with hypertrophied self-esteem are closed on themselves, in others they see themselves and only themselves. Is it possible to have sincere communication when you “do not see” another person with his interests, characteristics, desires? Gradually, such children develop a feeling of rejection and invalidity. They try to break out of this trap, often being aggressive or "clinging". They desperately want communication, but only for one thing: recognition. And the longer they stay focused on themselves, the greater the gap between them and others.

We will talk about how to help such guys throughout the book, but for now you need to remember the following: "To help a child overcome communication problems, it is necessary to teach him to pay attention to another person."

About obvious non-obviousness

There are not so many children with really serious communication problems. One or two people per kindergarten group or school class. We are talking about problems that are so obvious that they interfere not only with the child, but also with other children, as well as the teacher. Acts of aggression, demonstrative resentment, constant "yakin '", prolonged silence ... In these cases, teachers begin to "sound the alarm."

But there are very few parents who say with confidence: "My child has no problems in communication!" Most likely, some kind of skeleton will be lost in the closet of parental concerns. Someone does not like that their child is more likely to give in and cannot stand up for himself. Someone is unhappy that his child prefers peers of the opposite sex. Someone would like the child to be less touchy and sensitive. Although (by and large) many parents admit that the problems are not at all great.

Sometimes children do not even suspect that their mothers and fathers see any problems. Yes, there are behavioral features, but they do not interfere with the guys themselves! In their own opinion, they have enough friends with whom it is fun to play and talk. And others are quite friendly to them. But still, the parents may not like something.

Sometimes communication problems in children are age-related, that is, they are overcome as they grow up, or rather, in the process of gaining experience. And then it turns out that “time heals”, and what seemed like a problem goes away by itself. And sometimes the features of communication are dictated by personality traits that do not limit the child at all. For example, an active and "disruptive" mother may seem incomprehensible and ineffective strategy when the child tries to avoid conflict, does not insist on his own. She would have liked something else! But mother and child can be completely different in personality and use completely different strategies. But this does not mean that the toddler's strategy is less effective.

Let the child to be different! Do not consider your path to be the only correct one. Perhaps, reading this book, you will understand that your children do not have communication problems at all, but there are features that do not prevent them from building relationships and making friends. And this understanding will also be a good result!

If you don’t help ...

It is strange, but true: if a child has real difficulties in communication, his parents will try to deny unpleasant information to the last. They will look for reasons in the “unprofessionalism” of teachers and psychologists, blame other children, justify the child's behavior, for example, by birth trauma and the development of pregnancy. And all these are such subtle matters that not every psychologist can get out of this web. He will only shrug his shoulders in bewilderment: "Your child, it is up to you to decide - to do or not to do."

Does it take a long time to convince someone that communication is the basis of our life? As they say, man is a social animal. If an individual does not have enough communication skills, then he will not be able to start communication, support it, bring it to a new level. He will not be able to "show" himself, because we reveal ourselves to each other precisely in interaction. So, what is next? The position of a hermit, first in school, then in other educational institutions, difficulties in contacts with the opposite sex (unsuccessful family or divorce), lack of friendly affections, problems in the professional team ...

But a child with communication difficulties needs and can be helped! Even if you suspect that you are overly anxious about your child's interactions, it's okay. Still, being an attentive parent is better than an inattentive parent. Exaggerated worries are easier to debunk than to solve neglected problems. But if the difficulties in communication with a child are obvious to you (and even confirmed by others), then you just need to act! He himself is unlikely to cope. But the attention and help of parents have a phenomenal healing effect, which I have observed more than once in my practice. Therefore - good luck!

Part two

How do they communicate

When parents come for a consultation with issues of concern to them, many of them turn out to be “growing pains”. Or, in other words, age tendencies, normal and passing.

This, of course, does not mean that parents should not pay attention to them. On the contrary, it is very good that they turn around and ask questions! After all, it is not always easy to independently determine whether you need to "run somewhere and do something" or you can stop worrying and reduce the pressure on the child. Having learned that we are talking about age characteristics, adults wipe the sweat from their foreheads, and then a miracle happens. The situation that worried the parents calms down as if by itself!

This is not difficult to explain. Parents stop being overly anxious, which means that the situation in the family becomes calmer. Also, parents aim to ensure that accept the characteristics of the child and help him as much as possible. The child, feeling that "oppression" and increased demands have gone somewhere, shows independence and finds his own way out. In other words, it grows up.

Parents' close attention to what they perceive to be problems is not always positive. It hinders rather than helps. Especially in situations where there are no problems as such, but there are only temporary difficulties. Parents tend to "actively worry." That is, to control, prohibit, give strict orders. And all this only reinforces the situation, making a "non-problem" a real obstacle. That is why knowledge is power!

As a rule, the question: "How to teach a child to communicate" before the age of three is not relevant. Indeed, in the first years of life, communication between a child and peers is usually limited to a visit to the playground, where children, under the supervision of adults, exchange toys and observe each other.

The desire to be friends appears in children only by the age of three - just in time for the age when the baby goes to kindergarten. And it is by this time that it is necessary to teach the child to communicate with peers - so that he does not feel like a "black sheep" and does not hate the kindergarten, educators and peers combined!

So how do you teach your child to communicate with peers?

Conditions for social success

To teach a child to communicate with peers, it is necessary that he has learned some rules that guarantee his success in communication. These rules are called by psychologists the conditions of social success.

The first condition for social success is personal attractiveness. Just be sure to explain to your child that personal attractiveness is not so much outward beauty as well-groomed, good manners, neatness and cleanliness, the ability to interest your interlocutor with something.

The second prerequisite for social success is communication skills. Children acquire their first communication skills in the family, therefore, in order to teach a child to communicate with peers, it is necessary, first of all, to teach him to communicate with family members. To do this, talk to the child more and ask other relatives to do the same. And if you have an older child, it will be very good if the children find a common language with each other. Remember: you can only teach a child to communicate with peers through active and long-term practice!

How to teach a timid child to communicate with peers?

Very often, the reason for the inability to establish communication with peers is the shyness and timidity of the child. In this case, it is necessary to raise the baby's self-esteem and help him to relax. To teach a timid child to communicate with peers, you must:

Do not explicitly express your dissatisfaction with the child himself: you can condemn his unwanted actions, but not the child as a person. For example, one and the same claim can be formulated in completely different ways: “You again did not say thank you to the saleswoman! What kind of incomprehensible are you? You are bad, I do not love you! " (destructive form) or “Your act upset me a lot ... I understand that it’s hard for you to say“ thank you ”, you are embarrassed, but the saleswoman might think that you are just ill-mannered! Try not to allow your actions in the future, because I love you very much ”(constructive way).

Try not to make too many claims to the child, so that the child does not feel unnecessary and does not decide that you do not accept him as he is.

Whenever possible, praise your child and show that you respect him and that his opinion is important to you. For example: “I am very proud that you were able to talk to a girl on the street today. You looked so grown-up and independent! "

To teach your child how to communicate with peers, always maintain a friendly tone with him. The kid must understand that no matter what he does - he is loved, appreciated and respected, and for his parents he is always the best. With this attitude, it will be much easier for him to perceive criticism and rejection of him, which he may well face in the process of communication in real life.

Leave the child the right to make decisions on his own and do not criticize them, even if you do not really like them. The maximum that you can afford is to gently express your opinion about some action of the baby, leaving the right to choose for him. In addition, try not to interfere in his activities and do not help him in cases where he can cope on his own (even if with difficulty).

If the child in the process of communication has taken down some kind of resentment in his direction, do not leave the baby alone with her. Listen to him, have pity, tell him, explain who was wrong where, so that for the future the child will receive a lesson and not repeat his mistakes. But in any case, do not dismiss the child and do not say something like: "Your problems are stupidity, and in general you yourself were to blame for everything."

In order to teach a child to communicate with peers and raise his self-esteem, you in no case should put pressure on him with your authority and strive to be always and in everything right. You can be sure: for a child you are already the ultimate truth! But sometimes it's worth giving your child the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and make their own decisions. It would be very wise of you if you give the baby the opportunity to give you advice and criticize you. This is the only way you can form his self-esteem and self-esteem.

So that the baby is not afraid to start a conversation with peers, go for little tricks. Sew a button on his jacket or other piece of clothing and tell him to touch it as soon as he starts to be afraid of something. At this moment you will think about him and help him.

In order to teach a child to communicate with peers, it is necessary that he has several “blanks” in his pocket. For example, phrases on how to start an acquaintance: “Hello, my name is Misha! And what is your name? Do you want a cookie? I can treat you! ".

So, your child got rid of shyness, he is confident and ready for new exploits. At this point, we need to remember two conditions for social success - personal attractiveness and communication skills - and begin to shape them! But do not forget that the best form of education for young children is the example of parents. Therefore, first of all, pay attention to yourself and by your own example show the child how to communicate.

The formation of personal attractiveness is, in fact, the formation of those character traits that, in one way or another, will help the child in communication. Building communication skills is the combination of personality traits that make up personal attractiveness with practical communication skills. How to form these character traits in a baby and teach a child to communicate with peers?

Be open, affectionate, and sincere with all family members. A child, seeing such a model of communication, will assimilate and use it in communication with peers. The kid must learn that a kind and open person is always surrounded by friends.

Be polite, respectful, and caring towards your family members. It is possible to successfully teach a child to communicate with peers only if he knows that he needs to treat others with respect, and in special cases, even to show concern and be able to compassion.

Involve the child in family affairs - ask him to help clean the house, cook dinner, or help in the garden. The more you communicate with each other and help each other within the family, the better the child will develop communication skills.

The child should feel loved. Then it will be easier for him to open up and tell about his inner experiences both to you and to everyone around him.

If there are several children in your family, and they do not always get along - in any case, do not encourage arguments and competition between them. To teach a child to communicate with peers, you need to show him that aggression and anger are a bad ally in establishing good communication.

Teach your child to live not only by his own interests, but also to take into account the interests of the interlocutor. For example, you need to share toys, if the interlocutor politely asked about it, you do not need to shout and fight, you need to negotiate during the game, and not "pull the blanket over yourself", etc. In a word, instill good manners in your child. And if you see that during the game he forgets about any of them - agree that you will have a conditioned signal with which you will remind the kid about this rule. For example, you see a child getting into a fight. To prevent a scuffle, say quietly: "Remember?"

Keep the socializing child in your field of vision so that he or she feels like you are giving them constant attention. This is very important for building his inner confidence and works well as a deterrent.

To teach your child to communicate with peers, be sure to tell him that in order to take a toy from a playmate, you need to politely ask permission, and not beg, and even more so, not stamp your feet or fight. Many children sin with impatience, which then leads to resentment and tantrums.

The child must be aware of the rules of justice. For example, if the toy was not asked for, but taken away, you can defend yourself and defend your rights. And if you politely asked for a toy, it would be right to lend it to a new acquaintance. And if one of the children is the first to get into a fight or show aggression, it is necessary to defend, provided that the opponent is not weaker than your child. after all, raising a hand against those who are weaker is very shameful.

Teach the child self-irony - in this case, he will not be offended and cry when he hears something unpleasant from the interlocutor, but will be able to answer him something funny, but not humiliating him, while retaining his dignity in front of the offender.

To teach your child to communicate with peers, explain to him that there is nothing wrong or shameful in starting a conversation first or asking for a game. The kid can even offer friendship or joint play to the one he liked. Unless, of course, the child becomes annoying at the same time.

The child must learn the "rules of friendship": do not tease, play honestly, do not blabbing trusted secrets and do not strive for superiority over others. The kid should understand that he is not worse than the others, but not better either, so there should be respect for the feelings of others.

Exercises to develop communication skills

You can effectively teach a child to communicate with peers by posing problem situations for which he must find a way out:

Your friend took your toy without permission. What will you do?

Your friend ran past and pushed you on purpose, but literally after 3 steps he fell down and hit hard. What will you do?

One girl in our yard constantly laughs and teases you at you. What will you do the next time you see her and hear the insults?

The boy you are playing with suddenly took and pushed you. It hurts you. What will you do?

You and your friend are playing at home, and then dad comes with your favorite ice cream. What will you do?

Your best friend has entrusted you with a secret that should not be told to anyone. But you really want to tell her to your parents. What will you do?

When you receive options for solving these problems, discuss them with your child and gently lead him to the right solutions if he answered some questions incorrectly. After some time, the child himself will learn to get out of difficult life situations with dignity.

You can also teach a child to communicate with peers through group games. For example, the game "Foreigners".

During this game, all the children participating in it must come up with a "gibberish" language and represent guests from different countries, speaking different languages. First, the facilitator asks each participant to tell about themselves in gibberish, accompanying the story with gestures (about 30 seconds).

Then each child “retrains” as a shop assistant, and the rest of the “foreigners” come to his shop and try to explain, with the help of sounds and gestures incomprehensible to the seller, what exactly they need. This continues until every child is a "salesperson."

After the end of the game, ask the children if they liked it, let them tell you if it was easy for them to understand each other.

How a child learns to communicate with peers - each parent decides for himself. But remember that the sooner you teach your kid to communicate, and the sooner he learns to overcome life's troubles and cope with minor failures, the better it will be for him. After all, you want to see your child happy, not gloomy and unsociable, right?

Child's age
	1. Kids prefer to look at pictures where depicts people, and especially children. 2. There is interest in a peer as interesting the object of research, in connection with which he can: - push another; - to sit astride another; - look at the fallen child with curiosity; - pulling his hair, etc .; - transfer any action from the toy to a peer. 3. A peer speaks for the child: - as an interesting toy; - as a kind of semblance of himself
	1. Kids can calmly do their own business (with your toy), for example, to play in one sandbox, occasionally glancing at each other. Wherein they usually look at the hands of a peer, observe how he plays. 2. The presence of a peer nearby activates child. 3. Peers can exchange toys, however, they gladly take strangers and hardly give their
	1. Interest in a peer is pronounced. Seeing a peer the baby jumps, screams, squeals, and such "pampering" is universal. 2. Although the little ones have a lot of fun joint games, but a toy that appeared in the field of view or an adult who comes up distracts children from each other
	Communication with peers begins to take an increasing place in the lives of children (Fig. 7.5). This is due to the fact that an idea of another person of the same age is being formed.

Other publications related to this article:

How to develop communication skills in a child from 3-7 years old

How to develop your teen's communication skills

Conditions for social success

How to teach a timid child to communicate with peers?

Exercises to develop communication skills